Jose Calderon is experiencing an unexpected career revival in Cleveland. After spending last season as a seldom-used third-stringer for the Lakers and Hawks, he’s seen a small uptick in minutes and a larger uptick in overall scoring efficiency.
Just like Kobe and Dirk would go to Europe in the off-season to get special “European treatments” administered to them, I’m guessing Calderon went back to his native Spain to soak in the sun, meet with specialists, and visit high-tech labs where experimental medical techniques are developed. And by “experimental medical techniques”, I mean just a bunch of different kinds of steroids. Horse steroids, shark steroids, human steroids, paella-flavored steroids, all of them and more injected into every part of Calderon’s willing body. Everywhere from his butt cheeks to the soles of his feet to underneath his fingernails to his eyeballs to his other balls, Calderon got every ‘roid on the market plus some that aren’t on the market.
I’m not even that mad. I’m actually jealous. If I had unlimited cash reserves I would totally fly to Spain and get the same thing done to me, and then come back feeling young, invigorated, and buffer than the most outrageous synthol monsters you can find on Google Images. It wouldn’t help me score nineteen in an NBA contest like Calderon did, but I would totally dominate the park.