Why am I still uploading highlight videos right now? I’m on video #29 for last night’s games (I think so, anyway; counting that high is hard), and I’m deep into the afternoon, and now I’m competing with the full might of the NFL for the attention of sports fans. How am I supposed to topple the giant media conglomerate who basically is synonymous with the holiday of Thanksgiving? By uploading videos of P.J. Washington scoring 17 points? I don’t think so. Even his sick alley-oop isn’t going to distract the average American from the awesome spectacle of helmeted roid-monsters bashing into each other and giving each other micro- (or macro-) concussions.
The truth is, the longer I make highlight videos, the longer I put off having to hang out with my extended family. It’s not like they’re bad people, but they’re a bunch of normies, and their knowledge of professional basketball is embarrassingly feeble. They don’t even understand football, honestly. I hate football but I still understand the rules. These numbskulls couldn’t tell holding from roughing the passer from cheerleaders dancing on the sidelines. But hearing them trying to explain offsides in football is miles better than hearing them ramble on in excruciating detail about TV shows that I’ve never even heard of.
No, Mom! I still have to make a video for Bam Adebayo! I’ll come down in like thirty minutes I swear! Stop bothering me!