Seth Curry vs. Stephen Curry: who is the superior brother? In this truthful description where only the truest facts are outlaid with veracity and accuracy, we will answer that question in a rigorously logical manner.
THREE POINT PERCENTAGE: Seth shot 45.0% over the course of the season. Stephen shot 45.4%. The raw numbers cannot be denied, for the precepts of mathematics are inalterable: Stephen shot a higher percentage than Seth did. However, Stephen made some threes that shouldn’t have really counted. I’m not going to tell you why, nor will I tell you which ones should be disqualified, but if we count those threes as misses instead of makes, Seth wins the percentage battle easily. ADVANTAGE: Seth
THREE POINTERS MADE: Seth made just fifty threes the entire season, setting no records in the process. Stephen set a new NBA record by making 402 threes. Even when we remove those threes that have been conclusively determined to not have counted, Stephen still wins rather easily in terms of raw totals. ADVANTAGE: Stephen
ANKLES: Stephen has ankles made out of fiberglass insulation. He has to wear ankle braces just so he doesn’t completely topple over to the side while his feet remain planted firmly on the floor. Seth possesses ankles made out of normal human components such as muscles and bones. ADVANTAGE: Seth
KNEES: Seth has perfect knees. Literally perfect. Microscope photography of his knees reveals no imperfections or flaws. If you pause this video and look at his knees you’ll probably get a boner. Meanwhile, Stephen’s knees are ruined. At least one of them is anyway. ADVANTAGE: Seth
VIDEO DESCRIPTIONS: It is very easy to write a three-part epic detailing Stephen’s discovery of the occult secrets of a mystical three-point shooting amulet and the subsequent manufacture by him of such an object. Seth inspires no such creativity and only gets a crappy “comparison” description which is like the second-lowest hanging fruit of descriptions after OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS. ADVANTAGE: Stephen
TEAM SUCCESS: The Warriors set a record for single-season wins. The Kings were horrible for the tenth straight year. But the Kings have Rajon Rondo and DeMarcus Cousins so that counts for something, right? Cousins is way better than Bogut. Plus, the Kings have Seth Curry. Maybe you’ve heard of him. ADVANTAGE: Seth
PLAYER EFFICIENCY RATING: Let’s just not talk about this one. ADVANTAGE: Seth as far as you know
WIN SHARES: This one is so obvious that it doesn’t merit any more discussion. I’m not going to waste valuable description real estate on something this trivial. ADVANTAGE: Seth again!
COMPLEMENTARY GUARDS: Stephen played with Klay Thompson who was an All-Star. Seth played with…Ben McLemore and Marco Belinelli, the latter of whom got benched for…wait for it…James Anderson! What are the Kings even doing? ADVANTAGE: Stephen
MOTHER QUALITY: Tricked you! They have the same mommy! ADVANTAGE: It’s a tie
LOOKING LIKE CUTE ANIMALS: Seth looks like a loris. If you don’t know what a loris is, you’ve been missing out because they’re super cute. You can look up loris babies in google images and I guarantee you’ll never have a negative thought again in your life. Go do it right now. Then come back and read the rest of this description. [seriously go do it they’re so cute] Stephen doesn’t really look like any cute animals that I can think of. He’s moderately attractive in his own right but not in a way that resembles a loris or a kitten or a baby fennec or a fuzzy little penguin. ADVANTAGE: Seth
[before reading the conclusion I demand that you look at pictures of lorises. Failure to comply will result in the banning of your YouTube account and maybe even your Twitter too, I can pull some strings. Remember: lorises.]
DTB’S FINAL VERDICT OF TRUTH: Seth Curry is BETTER than Stephen Curry.