“Hey Andre, what’s up with all these iCarly DVD’s?”
Andre Drummond jogged over to where Aron Baynes was snooping through his personal movie collection. “They’re my kid sister’s,” Andre explained, snatching the copy of ‘iCarly: the Complete Fourth Season’ out of his teammate’s hand and replacing it on the shelf
“You don’t have a kid sister,” Aron said, looking genuinely confused. “And even if you did, she wouldn’t be keeping her DVD’s at your house.”
Andre shrugged. “Well, they’re not my DVD’s. I don’t know who put them there but they’re definitely not mine. Absolutely not.”
“Dude, I just thought of something. Do you own the complete iCarly DVD set because you by chance still have a crush on Jennette McCurdy?” Aron asked, a sly smirk adorning his face.
Andre knew that he had been discovered and that there was no point denying it anymore. “Yes,” he admitted sadly, looking down at the carpeted floor. “I still have a crush on Jennette McCurdy and I watch the iCarly DVD’s to remember what a good time we had on our one date.”
After this heartbreaking admission, Aron’s demeanor switched from smug to supportive. “Dude, you could still go out with her. You’re an all-star now and you’re about to get paid tons of money. No chick can resist the amount of money you’re about to get paid. No chick. Plus, you’re probably a better kisser now.”
Grimacing, Andre recalled how Jennette had put him on blast for not being very good at kissing. It hadn’t been his fault, it was just that his mouth was so much bigger than hers. “Yeah, well, I got the feeling that she didn’t really care about money. She was more into a dude’s personality, or something. I don’t know. Does that sound stupid?”
Aron shook his head. “No, dude, that totally makes sense. If she’s into guys who have personalities then the only thing you have to do is pretend like you have a personality yourself.”
“How do I do that?” Andre asked.
“I’m not the best person to ask,” Aron replied. “Ever since I got this dumbass haircut and grew this annoying beard, I’ve been pulling in the babes left and right. But, what I hear from my friends is that you have to, like, try to woo her. With your personality.” Aron paused and thought for a moment, as if even he himself didn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth. “I bet you have to write a poem and hand-deliver it to her,” he finally announced after much deliberation.
Andre thought back to how he had failed every English class he had ever taken in his life. He was unsure that he even knew exactly what a poem was. “Yeah. I could do that. And then I could sit in a tree outside her bedroom window and read it to her.”
“Or you could just ring her doorbell and then hand it to her and run,” Aron suggested. “Either way, that’s how you let her know that you’re now a mature, personalitied adult who is ready for a serious relationship.”
Andre nodded. “Yeah. A poem.”
—
Andre stood outside of Jennette’s house, feeling nervous. He had been here once before, but even then, he had been less nervous than now. Somehow, their previous relationship had been implicitly casual; what Andre was about to do was a significant step beyond “casual”. In his overlarge hand he clutched the lightly scented envelope containing the poem he had written after many botched attempts.
It was now or never. Andre rang the doorbell and resisted the immediate urge to drop the envelope on the doorstep and bolt. After what seemed like an eternity’s wait, the door opened. Faced with the object of his intense affection, Andre had to force himself to speak. “I wrote you a poem,” he intoned dumbly, mechanically sticking out his arm to present the envelope. After it was removed from his hand, he snatched his arm back to his side and stood there silently, waiting for Jennette to read it.
“Uh, that’s really…thoughtful of you, Andre,” Jennette said uncertainly. “But I’m not going out on another date with you.”
“Read the poem,” Andre commanded, his expression oddly blank.
Jennette looked slightly worried as she tore open the envelope and unfolded the paper inside. She read:
“Jennette McCurdy go on a date with me
I am in love with Jennette McCurdy
You are very beautiful I love you
All the words I say in this poem are true
Have a personality said my friend Aron
Jennette McCurdy: now I have one
We should go on a date and then kiss
Even if my lips are bigger than your lips”
“Lips and kiss don’t really rhyme but, you know, writing poems is hard,” Andre supplied helpfully, trying to smile.
Jennette stared at the paper for a while and then looked up at Andre’s face. “I think you should leave now,” she said.
Andre’s face reverted to its previous, expressionless state. “Okay. Just text me when you’re ready to go on another date. I love you.” He turned and walked away from the door, feeling confident that he had made significant progress in re-becoming Jennette’s boyfriend.