“You know what?” Eric Bledsoe asked as he sat on the couch of his Suns teammate Brandon Knight.
“What?” responded Brandon.
“I’m getting really tired of Devin,” Eric said, referring to their shared teammate, Devin Booker. “Who does he think he is, coming in and taking minutes like that? Those are your minutes man. You should be pissed.”
“I’m super pissed!” Brandon exclaimed after a pause, Eric’s words having just revealed to him the gross injustice that had been perpetrated upon him for a large part of the previous season. “He’s not even better than me at shooting threes. I don’t get why everybody has this huge boner for him.”
“It’s because he’s young and attractive,” Eric said angrily. “Not like I think he’s attractive or anything. He looks like a Jonas Brother,” he immediately rectified. “And somehow he’s been anointed as future of the franchise even though that title obviously belongs to us.”
Brandon nodded. “Obviously. We can each score twenty points per game. There’s no room for some pretty boy in our All-Star backcourt.”
“They should trade him instead of marginalizing their star players like this. It’s insulting.”
“Yeah, trade him to Brooklyn or something, then see how good he looks when he doesn’t have two superstars propping up his ass!” Brandon said, laughing. “What a loser. I hate him.”
Eric suddenly stood up. “If we hate him so much, why don’t we just go over to his house and show him that he’s not welcome here in Phoenix?”
“You mean, like beat him up?” Brandon asked.
“Yeah!” Eric yelled. “If we kicked his ass he would have no choice but to ask for a trade!”
“Um…” Brandon demurred, but Eric was already heading for the door. “Okay. Let’s go kick his ass.”
—
The two Suns guards were hiding in the bushes next to Devin’s house. “Why can’t we just ring the doorbell?” Brandon asked.
“Next time he leaves the house, we jump him,” Eric explained. “That way, there’s no chance that we let him get away. If we knocked on his door he would see it was us and run.”
“Why would he run? It’s not like he knows how much we hate him.”
Eric rolled his eyes. “He’s probably figured it out by now.” He went back to peering into a gap in Devin’s blinds; from this vantage point, he could see most of the living room and kitchen.
“What’s going on?” Brandon asked, there not being enough room for both players to see in at the same time.
“He’s…he’s playing with a cute puppy. He keeps calling it ‘Woofums’. They’re rolling around on the carpet and the puppy is wagging its tail and licking Devin’s face.”
“I hate Devin Booker,” Brandon said monotonally, as if he was trying to convince himself of the fact in light of this new information.
“That puppy really seems to like him,” Eric continued. “It looks like Devin’s mom is there, too. She’s laughing and clapping. I wonder if it’s his birthday or something…”
Brandon scowled. “He didn’t even invite us to his birthday party.”
Turning to face his teammate, Eric said, “It’s not even a party. He’s such a loser that only his mom wants to hang out with him.” Eric failed to notice that the blinds were being opened until it was too late. Soon the window itself was opened as Devin spied his unexpected visitors.
“Eric! Brandon! What are you guys doing in my bushes?”
“We were just…” Eric stammered.
“Checking to see if you wanted to hang out!” Brandon finished.
“Do you guys want to come in? It must be getting awfully hot out there. I’ve got cold drinks.” He left the window to go to the front door.
“I could use something cold right now,” Brandon admitted, looking down at his sweat-soaked shirt. “It’s gotta be 110 degrees out here.”
Eric nodded, secretly craving something cold as well. “Fine. We’ll pretend to enjoy his company and then when he least expects it we’ll jump him.”
They walked in through the open front door and sat down on the sofa while Devin bustled in the kitchen. They politely introduced themselves to his mom, who revealed that Woofums had merely been a surprise to celebrate Devin’s one-year anniversary of arriving in Phoenix.
A few minutes passed with Eric chomping on a large bowl of chocolate ice cream and Brandon sipping on homemade lemonade. They made friendly small-talk with Devin and his mom. Finally, Eric set down his bowl, stood up, and yelled “Now!”
Eric charged at Devin, ready to fight. However, he halted when he saw that Brandon hadn’t moved from the sofa. “Come on man!” Eric whined.
“I don’t know if I can,” Brandon said meekly.
“Can what?” Devin asked. “Is this another part of the surprise?”
“Never mind,” Eric said quietly, sitting back down and resuming work on his ice cream.
“You guys are so funny!” Devin said with a big smiles on his face. “I can’t believe I got drafted by the team with the most awesome teammates!”
Eric and Brandon exchanged a glance. Then, they both shrugged and broke into identical grins. “Pretty crazy, right?” Eric said. “Now, where’s that ice cream at? I need another bowl!”