OFFICIAL JAE CROWDER HAIR STATUS: Jae Crowder’s hair looks just as soft and cuddly as ever. Its status as the pillowiest and lushest set of dreadlocks in the league remains unchallenged. There is no hair softer in the organization. It’s like a pile of furry black snakes on his head, but instead of venom, they’re filled with raw sexuality.
Can someone arrange it so I can meet up with Crowder some time and we can hang out? I promise not to do anything untoward, I just want a chance to fondle and maybe bury my face in those things. Not in a romantic or sexual way, but like the way I cuddle my little kitty Japurri Purrker and smush my face into his furry little belly. As many connections as I have in the NBA (and trust me, I have lots and lots of them), I don’t have any connections that will connect me with Jae Crowder’s bodacious hair.
If anybody knows people in the Celtics organization, send the deets my way. I’m serious. If I don’t get to touch those dreads soon, well, I don’t want to use the word “kidnapping”, but you know. I might have to kidnap somebody.