Buddy Hield 17 Points Full Highlights (4/7/2017)

I’m pretty sure your old pal DTB is losing his mind.

So, in case you’ve been out of the loop, I’ve got this 12-foot tall Buddy Hield statue living in my house now. It was a mistake that never should have happened, but the 3D-printing company doesn’t issue refunds, so I guess I’m stuck with it. It’s purple and naked and now I’m convinced that it’s slowly gaining sentience.

It started with small things, like me putting it behind my couch leaning against the wall so I can finally have some floor space again, and then two hours later it’s been shifted a few feet back towards the center of the room. I would remember moving it, I think, but I get so filled with rage whenever I see it that who knows what I remember anymore. One thing I’m sure of is that my soft kitty Japurri Purrker isn’t moving it. He’s a little bit of a tubby kitty but he’s not going to be moving a gigantic plastic figurine any significant amount of distance.

But now things are getting weird. I regularly beat up this statue to let out my frustrations, and I swear Buddy’s 3D-printed face contorts with pain when I’m kicking and cursing at it (under my breath, of course, because last time I yelled at it, I got the police called on me by my asshole neighbors, and now I’m probably on some FBI watchlist or something). Either I’ve totally gone nuts, or this frickin’ $3000 statue is actually alive.

Last night I tested Buddy by putting a freshly-microwaved hot pocket on his mouth right before I went to bed. When I woke up the hot pocket had a bite taken out of it and there was sauce all over Buddy’s face, but I can’t be sure if Buddy took the bite or if it was just my dumb kitty Japurri eating my human food instead of his specially-formulated kitty food.

So now I have more anxiety than ever, and the hot Latina in my complex still laughs at me whenever she sees me. I like being humiliated and degraded just as much as the next guy, but I sort of wish it wasn’t because I had this enormous nude statue of an NBA player in my place.

God damn it.