Okay, so, for those of you who forgot, I have spent the better part of the last year with a 12-foot-tall 3D-printed plastic naked purple statue of Buddy Hield residing in my apartment. It started off as a hype-driven 3000-dollar order from one of those online 3D printing outfits, but over the course of the season, this oversized naked figurine went from a minor annoyance to something that was destroying my life and pushing my sanity to the brink of disintegration.
When I last gave you guys an update, the statue had actually started making noises and reacting to outside stimuli (that stimuli being me kicking it and hitting it with my fists because I was so pissed off about it). My own cat Japurri Purrker had also decided in his stupid little cat brain that the Buddy Hield statue was a better companion than I was.
Sometime in June I woke up and saw the giant purple Buddy Hield statue standing over me and smiling with those unseeing, pupil-less purple plastic eyes. Of course, that totally freaked me out, so I darted out of bed before it could strangle me or whatever. Buddy just sort of calmly followed me to the entry to my apartment where I was struggling with the lock and put his gigantic hand on my shoulder. At that point I was fearing for my life, so I just collapsed to the ground and started crying.
But the crazy thing is, Buddy didn’t even try to kill me then, even though he probably could have. Instead, he sat on the ground next to me and wordlessly consoled me. That was really weird, getting cuddled by a giant, sentient Buddy Hield statue. Especially because he was naked. Not that anything untoward happened, but still. A twelve-foot tall human figurine is going to have a really big…thingy down there. And Buddy does.
After that point it was like me and the statue were friends. He just sort of chilled out in my apartment and watched TV. I don’t think he can talk, but he can laugh, and he can make what I take to be grunts of assent when I tell him that I’m going out to pick up pizza or whatever. It’s sort of cool having him around, although he point-blank refuses to wear the clothes I made for him out of the old bedsheets I had. Buddy prefers the naturist lifestyle.
I can’t wait to go on all sorts of cool adventures with my new best friend.