Tonight was “Australian Heritage Night” at the Wells Fargo Center in Philadelphia, in honor of noted Australian basketball player Ben Simmons who, you guessed it, plays for Philly! It all makes so much sense. I don’t know what they did to celebrate Australian’s unique cultural contributions to the world other than showcase incredibly dangerous venomous spiders and eat meat pies, because I was totally distracted by the man of the hour getting a huge triple-double. 19, 17, and 14, that’s how you really prove to everyone that Australia is a real country with real people living in it, not just by showing meaningless cultural artifacts that could have come from anywhere.
In anticipation of today’s festivities, I decided to hold my own little Australian Heritage Night before the game started. First, I went to Outback Steakhouse for an authentic Aussie Bloomin’ Onion. Did you know they made those things way smaller? When I was a kid those things were as big as my head, but the one I got at the restaurant was like the size of my fist. Total ripoff, so I didn’t leave a tip to register my disappointment. Besides, I don’t think they tip in Australia anyway. Steak was good though. That was the second part of my Australian Heritage Night: eating beef.
After I was done with that I went on the Internet to look at some, ahem, “adult material”. I’m no perv or anything, but I have an ex whose tits were like mosquito bites for real, so I looked up chicks with small tits to get over my crushing loneliness. Then the government agents busted in and arrested me for it! I got off scot-free since I’m not actually Australian, but I know that if I was, I’d be looking at a long stint in the clink. That whole incident kinda put me in a bad mood, so to pick up my spirits a bit I huffed some gasoline and drank some Foster’s while thinking about how cool it was to subjugate a whole continent full of natives. That’s something us Americans and you Australians can really bond over, I think.
That was about it for DTB’s Australian Heritage Night. There’s something called “cultural appropriation” that I was very careful to avoid, so I ran out of stuff to do. It was fun though! I feel like I really gained a new appreciation for what our friends in the Antipodes have to offer for the rest of the civilized world that isn’t a penal colony full of bogans.