Here’s my theory: Ricky “Sexy Eyes” Rubio isn’t getting as many assists this season as he has in seasons past because JOE INGLES is STEALING the assists. Diplomatic relations between Spain and Australia just went down the tubes because the more game tape I watch on this subject, the more it becomes apparent that there is blatant assist-stealing going on. I don’t know if Spain and Australia have any active trade agreements (Barca merch for koala meat perhaps), but if they do, they’re going to get cancelled because this type of aggression between countries cannot be tolerated.
Ingles isn’t even a point guard. I mean, come on. I get that he’s jealous about Rubio stealing all his hair but that doesn’t mean that he has to steal all the assists as revenge. Those are Rubio’s assists and now Rubio’s passing stats look like garbage because of the actions of one very petty, very balding, very flabby Aussie cunt.
I hereby issue a command to Ingles to give back all the assists that he has unfairly stolen so that Rubio’s stats can be retroactively corrected.