Right now me and my 12-foot-fall purple 3D-printed statue of Buddy Hield are laying low for a while. There’s still a lot of news coverage about how they found a dead guy in our neighborhood, and I’m constantly afraid that they’re going to figure out that it was actually my sentient Buddy Hield statue who was at fault. Like they’re going to take the fragments of the guy’s skull that were scattered all over the sidewalk and one of them is going to have a shard of purple plastic that broke off. Or they’ll do some forensic CSI stuff on the guy’s clothes and find out that they sort of smell like the shampoo I use.
I mean, I totally support Buddy’s use of force against the guy. I wish he hadn’t died, but he tried to mug me, and Buddy did what he had to in ensuring that I came out unscathed. Some good news from the whole situation is that it quickly came out that the murder victim was a criminal, so it’s not like public opinion is against me and Buddy or anything. Everybody loves it when a petty criminal gets what’s coming to them even if the punishment (getting your skull caved in by the fist of an angry plastic statue that’s come to life) is way worse than the crime (threatening me with a knife and demanding my wallet and phone).
I’ve made it clear to Buddy that we shouldn’t go outside on our night walks until all the commotion dies down. I think he understands but he’s sad about it. A lot of the time he just sits on the floor with his gigantic legs stretched out in front of him and half-heartedly watches TV. When I ask him if he’s sorry that he killed the man, he shakes his head vigorously, so at least he’s not too upset about that part of it. If I killed a guy by accident after punching him, I would feel guilty forever.
Here’s hoping that Buddy gets away with this one. I know that the police would be reluctant to come to the conclusion that a sentient naked purple statue of an NBA player was the guilty party, even if all evidence pointed to it, but I keep thinking about what would happen if they arrested me instead. What would Buddy do then? He would be all alone in the world.
That can never happen. He’s my best friend.