Myles Turner is right there in the running with D.J. Wilson for the “Player Who Most Looks Like a Roided-Out WNBA Player” (PWMLLAROWP) award. Both of them have the “ponytail high up on the head” thing which is a common look in the WNBA. However, Wilson loses points because he has facial hair. I could make a joke here about the women in the WNBA having facial hair, but that wouldn’t be fair to them because most of them are actually quite womanly aside from their musculature. The real joke is that Wilson and Turner both kind of look like WNBA players who were put on years-long steroid regimens and given hormones to make them tall. That’s the joke I’m making. And it’s a funny one.
Now that we’ve determined that Turner is likely to receive the PWMLLAROWP award at the end of the season, the next step is to figure out how to get this awarded included in the official NBA awards ceremony. In my opinion, the awards ceremony is a stupid idea overall. It’s just a made-up TV thing so that the NBA has another place to show ads. Nobody really cares about it. But if they’re going to keep doing it, I’m going to make sure my carefully-considered award is included as part of the festivities.
I wrote Adam Silver an email in all capital letters inquiring as to what the process is for getting new awards officially added to the NBA record books. I have yet to receive a response. I could easily pay a Russian guy to hack basketball-reference and list the record there, and making a Wikipedia article for it is so trivial that I don’t need to pay a Russian to do it, but no amount of payments to Russians will be able to convince Silver to include my award on his stupid awards show. That’s up to me and my powers of persuasion. I wonder if he can be persuaded by money (up to 60 American Dollars). Or the promise of being edited into a highlight video so it looks like he’s the one dunking and making threes. Those offers will definitely be in my next email to him.