I’ve always loved Jarrett Allen, but I found out recently that my love for him wasn’t maximized. There was still a little bit of extra love I had left to give to him. What spurred this sudden generosity from heart so cold that it gives my lungs freezer burn?
It turns out that Allen likes to build his own computers. Not only that, but his “big-ticket” purchase after he started getting fat NBA checks was a component for his PC. Him and me officially developed a soul bond when I found that out, because that’s exactly what I would do if I suddenly came into a large amount of money: I would start upgrading parts like crazy on my rig, or maybe even build an entirely new one and use the old one to seed torrents of old NBA games.
We can now add “computer nerd” to the OFFICIAL LIST OF ATTRACTIVE ATTRIBUTES WHICH JARRETT ALLEN POSSESSES:
-Sexy fro
-Sharp-looking goatee
-Builds computers and covets higher-performance components
-Is a dunk machine
-Humble, grounded, and hard-working (had to combine these or the list would be too long)
-Loved by teammates and coaches
-Draft steal
-Has a healthy disdain for those who do not carefully groom their hair
I love Allen so much that it actually makes me sad because I know I’ll never get to hang out with him and be his friend. Hold me, bros.