Gerald Green 21 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (1/7/2019)

Sometimes I look at dudes like Gerald Green, the dudes who have the really cool hair patterns on their head, and I think: why doesn’t my hair do that? All my hair does is sit there. It doesn’t make any patterns. How do I get my hair to grow into patterns like that? Do I need to wear a special hat that forces hair to grow into it like a jello mold? I’ve never thought I looked good in hats, but I would be willing to wear hats if it meant that my hair would reveal itself to have formed itself into crazy doodles when I took the hat off.

Or maybe I need to go to a barber? I don’t really do barbers either, and when I do I don’t even get a “haircut” so to speak. It gets “trimmed”. Maybe if I brought in a picture of Gerald Green and told the barber dude that I wanted my hair to be like that, he would be able to do it for me. The other problem is that I don’t really have a ton of money to be blowing on professional barbers who can make your head look like a celebrity’s head. If it costs more than ten bucks I’m not doing it. Remember, ten bucks can buy you a hundred chicken nuggets and Burger King. I’m really envious of Green’s hairstyle, but the envy doesn’t outweigh my amazement at the fact that I can get five meals’ worth of chicken nuggets for ten bucks.

I guess the third option is to get my mom to do it for me. All moms can cut hair. They’re like hair experts. Unfortunately, this one isn’t an option because my mom is no longer talking to me after I spent Thanksgiving at her house making highlights instead of eating her food.

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