Devin Booker walked up to Kelly Oubre’s locker and pointed at the terrarium that was on the shelf. “You keeping pets in here now, too?”
Kelly Oubre sighed. “Devin, just when I think that you could not get any more ignorant, a statement leaves your mouth whose complete inanity surpasses even my lowest expectations for you.” He reached behind him, grabbed the glass-walled tank, and put it on his lap. “The snakes in here are not my pets. They are my research subjects.”
Now it was Devin’s turn to be exasperated. “You aren’t giving up on that ‘talking to snakes’ thing, are you?”
“Why would I give up?” Kelly asked. “It is well-documented throughout history that humans have been able to communicate with, and eventually hold mastery over, all different types of snakes. At least, I assume it’s well-documented. I haven’t read any of the documents myself.” He stuck his head in the cage to whisper words to the snake that was inside.
“You just stick your head in there like that?”
“Of course I do, they’re not going to bite me,” Kelly replied. “I’m their master, after all. It’s only a matter of time before I am able to command them to slither hundreds of miles to Klay Thompson’s house in order to torment him.”
Devin gave a strange look at his teammate’s confidence. “I’m not so sure that snakes even have masters, man.”
“You only think that because your brain is too underpowered to decipher the secret snake language and speak it back,” Kelly answered. Then, he noticed that the snakes, which usually moved around when he bothered them, were totally still. Even after pokes with his finger, they didn’t move. “Huh. Maybe they’re sleepy,” he commented.
“Have you been feeding them?”
Kelly was confused by this question. Feeding his research animals had never crossed his mind. “Don’t they eat these rocks and leaves that I put in their environment?”
“No, dude,” Devin answered. “They eat, like, mice and rodents and birds.”
“Oh,” was Kelly’s reply as he picked up the limp snake bodies and tossed them towards the trash can on the far side of the locker room. “That’s okay. I’ll just get some more from outside. And now that I’m an expert snake-charmer, it’s only a matter of days before I have a full snake army ready to send to Klay’s house.”
Devin raised his eyebrows. “Man, you really hate Klay, don’t you?”
Kelly nodded. “Yes. Yes I do.”