It’s Valentine’s day. That fact doesn’t matter so much to me, since my steadfast refusal to become involved romantically with women means that I have nobody to celebrate this so-called “holiday” with. However, on this most romantic and cuddly of nights, I start to wonder about my 12-foot-tall 3D-printed sentient naked purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield.
I’ve conclusively concluded that Buddy feels emotions. I call them his “Hield Feels”. But he’s never once shown an emotion that could be interpreted as romantic. Obviously he cares a lot about me, but I never get the feeling that he likes me in “that” way. I’m pretty sure he’s not into dudes because he’s seen me naked and never shown any response to my nudity.
It’s worth pointing out at this point that Buddy is naked all the time, and it’s impossible to miss that his…thing…is very big. Very, very big. But it never, like, gets bigger or anything. Just saying. Not when I’m naked, not when Japurri is naked (which is also all the time), and not when I have pictures of pretty women on my computer screen.
P.S. I am not going to divulge my celebrity crushes to my subscriber base. Those are private.
So Buddy might be asexual. That’s a real possibility. A lot of people with superior intellects like his have no sense of attraction, romance, or even lust. But there’s also the possibility that Buddy is only attracted to other 3D-printed statues. Like, what if there was a 12-foot-tall 3D-printed female statue that was alive and had huge…thingies? Would Buddy be attracted to that? I have no way of knowing.
So that’s what I’m thinking about right now. And Buddy is sitting on my couch watching goat videos. He seems to be happy with his life even though he had to kill a bunch of people a while ago. Would he be happier with female companionship? I wish I could find out.