You don’t hear much about rookie hazing these days. It used to be that we would get treated to videos of rookies getting their cars full of popcorn, or we would hear stories about rookies being forced to drop everything they’re doing in order to buy donuts for the team, but in today’s anti-bullying culture, it’s no longer cool for role-models like NBA players to be hazing the first-year players. I’m not saying that’s a good or bad thing, I’m just saying, that’s how it is.
That being said, here’s how I think the Kings are hazing Marvin Bagley behind closed doors where the media can’t tattle on them:
-Forcing Bagley to buy a bunch of purses, wear them around the locker room, and refer to them as his “Marvelous Bags”
-Making Bagley eat two dozen assorted-flavor bagels in one sitting (with cream cheese) while chanting “BAGLEY BAGEL BONANZA BAGLEY BAGEL BONANZA”
-Dragging Bagley out of the shower naked and using a permanent marker to circle the places on his body where he needs to put on more muscle while he cries because of the body shaming
-At penalty of being kicked off the team bus, forcing Bagley to visit the cheerleaders’ locker room during away games and sing embarrassing Lady Gaga songs at them and dancing provocatively while wearing nothing but a speedo until he gets dragged out by security
-Giving him a doll nicknamed “Marvin Bagley IV” and forcing him to push it around and change its diapers like it’s really his kid
-Get put in a trash bag and dropped off in the mountains surrounding Sacramento with no phone or GPS and he has to get back to the arena without being eaten by a mountain lion or succumbing to the harsh winter weather
If you want to assert that these hazings aren’t really happening, I’ll show you my sources any time, anywhere. Just say the word. I’ve got sources all over the places telling me these things.