I couple of weeks ago some weird stuff went down at my place, and now I think I know who the culprit was.
Basically, one night at the beginning of the February, I was just chilling in my apartment, making highlights while eating microwaveable foods (which are the only kind of foods I have in my house since my 2K cooking rating is like 36). While I was getting my fifth batch of Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of the microwave (the box says you should do them in the oven for best results but I’m scared of the oven because it gets so hot), I thought I saw somebody looking in my window. But it was dark out and the person (if it was a person at all) was wearing dark clothes so I couldn’t really tell.
I’m not really worried about stalkers, so I didn’t pay the incident much attention. Besides, it’s an apartment complex. People are allowed to walk around outside if they feel like it. Maybe the dude was just jealous of my Pizza Rolls. I know if I walked by somebody’s house and they were pulling fresh, steaming Pizza Rolls out of the oven, I would be jealous as heck.
But then, I noticed the same thing an hour later when I was getting my pre-bedtime snack (fried macaroni bites) ready. A human figure standing outside my window, not really looking at me, but looking at my microwave. Again, it didn’t really bother me, because I’m not the kind of guy who would be the target of crimes unless it was Adam Silver himself coming to strike me down with his copyright hammer of fury.
Imagine my surprise when I wake up the next morning and see that the microwave has been pilfered from my kitchen. Everything else is untouched, even my multi-thousand-dollar gaming/video editing PC. After scolding my kitty Japurri Purrker for not killing or at least severely injuring the attacker (even though he’s a smart kitty, he doesn’t seem to remember our monthly “intruder preparedness” meetings where I show him what the “attack position” is), I tried to think of who would steal just a microwave and nothing else.
Then it occurred to me: it was Dwyane Wade.
Let me explain. My microwave isn’t just a normal microwave. It’s been overclocked to outrageous levels and the levels of radioactivity it produces are somewhere between “Nine Mile Island” and “Chernobyl” in intensity. That means two things: one, it cooks food extremely fast. Two, if you put steroids in it, the radiation makes them at least ten times more potent. I had previously advertised my boutique microwave-roids to Wade, but he must have decided that my prices were to high, so he just stole my microwave so he could make his own super-roids.
I mean, I’ve got more microwaves in my house, some of them overclocked, so that part’s fine. But to break into my house uninvinited? That’s not cool man. I’m upset. I guess the upside of it is, even though Wade had to resort to criminal actions to help him retain muscle, my microwave roids totally worked. You can see them in action right in this very video. Wade is injecting them at every timeout, and, in the end, his roidmonster arms were responsible for a game-winning shot against Stephanie Lurry and the Larriors. You’re welcome everybody.