In a bid to find out more about the mysterious, unknowable enigma of Alex “Olyeyksyiyyyi” Len, I recently started making travel plans to head to his homeland of the Ukraine. I figured, Ukraine is in Europe, so it’s gotta be mostly safe for Americans to travel there, right? I mean, no street criminal would are rob an American because doing so could cause an immediate declaration of war, and then they’d be toast. Besides, I looked up pictures of the Ukrainian countryside and it looked really picturesque. His hometown of Antratsyt is not so picturesque but I wanted to visit there too because maybe I could interview his former schoolteachers or something. I was all set up to have a fun, informative, and eye-opening journey to a foreign land rich in culture and hospitality.
But it turns out the US has issued a travel advisory for Ukraine, which is basically their way of saying that you shouldn’t go there unless you want to die. They specifically name Crimea as a lawless wasteland that no American should ever step foot in. I’m going to be really careful here and not take sides in the armed conflict that I presume is still going on there, but again, random Americans aren’t visiting the Ukraine to take sides. They’re visiting the Ukraine to eat local delicacies, go hiking in the mountains (I presume there are mountains), and learn more about NBA superstar and three-point sniper Alex Len. My US passport should be able to get me out of any sticky situations.
One thing I need to find out before I go there is how good the internet speeds are. If I’m not able to VPN into my home computer to make highlight videos, the whole trip is a no-go. The internet also needs to be reliable, which means I can’t randomly be going offline because critical infrastructure is being blown up or hacked by Russians/Ukrainians/American spies like me/Polish people/the Illuminati/Freemasons. If I can get assurances that I will be able to maintain my YouTube highlights empire while abroad, I see no reason why I couldn’t go over there right now. Just no side-trips to Crimea. I think I can remember that.