Basketball-Reference currently has the Bulls at a 0% chance to make the playoffs this season. But Basketball-Reference doesn’t have eyes. Basketball-Reference can’t see what humans see, and what this particular human is seeing is an improved standard of play from this team. If they don’t resort to outright tanking, it’s possible that they’ll win quite a few more games than are expected of them as the season draws to a close.
That said, they pretty much need to win the rest of their games to have a chance at a playoff seed. That’s gonna be tough, but NBA players are supposed to love challenges, right? That’s why they thrive in these competitive environments, right? So here’s a list of things the Bulls need to do if they want to sneak into the eighth seed and get smushed by the Bucks:
-Robin Lopez needs to do things on the court that would not only make Kareem Abdul-Jabbar proud, but Shaq proud as well. Currently he is still doing things that make Earl Cureton proud. He needs to stop doing those things because those things are worse than the things that make KAJ and Shaq proud. Also shave off that crazy goatee thing.
-Lauri Markkanen needs to become Dirk reincarnated. Oh wait, he already is. Skip this step.
-Zach LaVine needs to get a hold of Michael Jordan’s “secret stuff” from Space Jam. It’s just water, but MJ water is better than plain old boring water.
-Kris Dunn needs to have more of those 17-assist games he had back in January.
-Wendell Carter Jr. needs to come back. I don’t care what his injury or what his “timeline” is. Timelines are for wimps. Real men ignore the timeline and get back on the court when they feel like it.
-Ryan Arcidiacono needs to be Steve Nash. Not just for one game, either. The rest of the season. If necessary, break your nose and wear an eyepatch to get the true Nash experience.
-Otto Porter Jr. needs to keep doing what he’s doing. Except what he did in this game. Don’t do that anymore (seven points on eleven shots).
-Bulls fans need to pretend this team is good and cheer at all times so that home games are really easy for their team. If you have to close your eyes and pretend the Jordan/Pippen era is still upon us in order to cheer with enough gusto, that’s the sacrifice you must make.
Note that none of these things should continue to happen once the Bulls are mathematically eliminated (which they actually might already be; I’m too lazy to check).