“Dear Jeff,
Let me cut right to the chase. Your mere existence is a terrible burden on me. There is nothing I dread more than looking at the box-score of a game and seeing your name there. And when my eyes scan across the row to see double-digit assists, or a scoring total in the twenties…that is not the completion of my agony. That is only the beginning of it.
It would be in everybody’s best interests if you were to cease playing well immediately. Not only would it ease my suffering in having to make highlight videos featuring your unentertaining, but statistically impressive performances, but even your teammates would be relieved of their pain. There are younger players on the Timberwolves who would love to have the minutes that you currently squander with your productive efficiency. Additionally, it would be much easier for you personally if you only had to play eight or ten minutes per game.
There are many professional basketball teams in leagues other than the NBA. Your agent will be happy to discuss your options with you if you decide that a team in China would be better suited to your unique skillset. Then you wouldn’t have to play with Andrew Wiggins anymore. You hate him, don’t you? Don’t you, Jeff?
Please heed these words. You have no concept of the magnitude of the torment that you currently inflict upon me.
Sincerely,
-DownToBuck”