As a prominent resident of the country/continent of Australia, Joe Ingles, by default, speaks for the Australian citizenry on matters of national interest. He might think that he is just a run-of-the-mill sportsman with a run-of-the-mill bald spot, but the power and influence he wields over Australian public discourse is considerable. Not only that, but as an international ambassador of the country/continent of Australia, he is many people’s only exposure to true Australians, so he has to be on his best Australian behavior at all times.
Since Ingles is a representative of the Australian public and their opinions, I would like to ask him directly: Mr. Ingles, why are Tim Tams such inedible garbage?
They don’t even taste like chocolate. They taste like cardboard covered in brown chalk. Does Australia’s isolated position geographically mean that they can’t import real chocolate and have to come up with chocolate substitutes like “sand mixed with poop” and “dirty hobo scrapings”? For some reason, Australians have an affinity for this “snack” “cookie” (I consider Tim Tams to be neither a “snack” nor a “cookie”) even though they aren’t tasty. At all. They aren’t even a little bit tasty.
If Australians got their hands on real American snacks, which aren’t even the best the world has to offer but are pretty good, they would riot and overthrow their government for real. I bet Ingles has a pantry full of yummy American snacks and doesn’t even bother to eat Tim Tams anymore. Because Tim Tams suck and Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies are the best. He can totally afford to import anything he wants from Australia, but there’s nothing from Australia that’s worth importing. Except their accent, and he already has that.
Actually, wallabies are worth importing too, but there are a lot of rules in Australia when it comes to wallaby protection. I found that out when I went on a trip to Australia to try to get a wallaby to take home with me. At least they didn’t try to serve me Tim Tams while I was in Aussie jail. That would have been cruel and unusual punishment.