Will Barton is a pretty decent player, but there’s one big problem with him: his name. “Will Barton”. That’s something that totally needs an upgrade. No one is ever going to be a fan of a player who sounds like a middle-class paper-pusher working a dead-end job with an hour-long commute and a nagging wife. He needs an upgrade.
First off, everyone knows that all the hyped players have some sort of title or number after their name. Like a “IV” or a “Jr.” or a “Dr.” at the front. We’re going to go with “Jr.” on this one, that already makes the name way better. Will Barton Jr., like he’s the latest in a long line of illustrious NBA players with the same name.
Second off, that first name. We’re going to go simple here and take a cue from one of the GOATs of all time, Michael Jordan. Just lift that name and put it in place of “Will”. Michael Barton Jr. Now we’re getting somewhere. Not very much of somewhere, but heading in the right direction at least.
Now the last name. The “rt” part in the middle of “Barton” can stick around. That’s the best part of the whole name, in my opinion. Actually, the whole arrangement of vowels and consonants is good as well. We can keep the general sound of the name while changing some of the letters. Starting with the B. B’s are soft, babylike. Change that thing into a P. P’s are hardcore. Parton. Like Dolly Parton? We need to keep going. That A is now an O. Straight up. Porton. Sounds like the name of a hypothetical subatomic particle. And now there are too many O’s. Make the second one an E. Porten. Nah, still no good. We need another R, remember how the “rt” was the best part of the name? That’s because there was an R in there. Replace that N with an R and what do we have now? Porter. Oh, that’s nice. That’s REAL nice.
Michael Porter Jr.