My tear-harvesting machine is getting a lot of use lately. Most recently, I have used it with great success on Philadelphia 76ers fans.
Why are Sixers fans generating tears, you ask? You’re on a Markelle Fultz video, so you should be able to figure it out. It’s because Markelle Fultz is quickly emerging as a legitimate point guard in the league, while Ben Simmons peaked his rookie season and is scared of taking anything that could be termed a “jumpshot”. The Sixers could have kept Fultz as a true point guard and paired him with Simmons to create a devastating playmaking tandem. It would still be a crimp on the offense for Simmons to be a non-shooting wing when Fultz doesn’t have a reliable three-pointer himself, but the potential of the Fultzimmons combo is more alluring than its potential downfalls are dissuading. And the Sixers gave up on it for nothing.
It’s a simple matter for me to strap the tear-collection goggles onto Sixers fan’s faces, mention the essential truth of Fultz’s emergence to them, and watch with glee as the tear reservoir fills up with gallons of pure lachrymal fluid. I almost feel guilty when my “chamber of weeping” (as I call the extra room in my apartment where the tear collections take place) is filled with choking, heaving sobs when I bring up the fact that Al Horford is washed and it’s only the first year of his contract. It also makes me nervous because maybe one of my neighbors will call the police when they hear the anguished wailing.
I also used my tear-collection machine on Magic fans, but, for some reason, their tears of joy were less pleasing to bathe in than the tears of sadness that Sixers fans provided me. When I told them “Markelle Fultz is a franchise PG in the making” and “soon you will never have to watch D.J. Augustin play ever again”, many of them broke down weeping while thinking about how their long rebuild might finally be over, but those tears just didn’t taste as good as the Sixers fan tears. I even mixed Magic fan and Sixers fan tears together to see if the taste would improve, but the two types of tears annihilated each other and I was left with an empty glass. Weird.
By the way, if you want to sign up to provide me with tears, I pay ten bucks per gallon, or thirty bucks for two gallons, if you can cry that much. I’ll tell you unpleasant yet true facts about your team and you’ll cry about them. And then afterward we can hang out and play co-op Stardew Valley as long as you promise not to take Penny. Penny’s mine.