The greatest Australian contribution to world culture, aside from Joe Ingles of course, is certainly the wallaby. Wallabies have it all: they’re cute, they’re friendly (probably), they’re better than kangaroos, and there are so many of them bouncing around Australia that the Australian government shouldn’t care if you fly there and try to pick one up off the ground to take it home.
Except apparently they do care. I got thrown in Australian prison for a long time for trespassing on a wildlife conservancy and driving around in a go-kart through the brush looking for wallaby clans. They let me out eventually, but they wouldn’t even sell me one of the wallabies at the zoo so I had to go home with no wallaby. I’m also on a watch list now so it would be really hard for me to make another Wallaby-acquiring expedition to that godforsaken country.
As far as I’m concerned, this is Joe Ingles’ fault. As a prominent sportsman representing both Australia and the United States, he provides a unique opportunity to facilitate Austro-American dialog. However, despite the numerous tweets and instagrammers I’ve sent to him regarding the matter, he has not exerted his influence to allow me to abduct or purchase a wallaby from Australia.
I’ve gotten desperate enough that I searched the Dark Web for illegal underground markets dealing in exotic animals. Armed with a cryptowallet stuffed to the brim with Bitcoin and Monero, I searched and searched, but found nobody who was willing to sell me a wallaby. Lots of guns and drugs, but no fun-sized marsupials. So really, I’m counting on Ingles to bail me out here, because I see no other way that I’m ever going to get to have a pet wallaby.
It’s completely heartbreaking too because I already promised my kitty Japurri Purrker that he would have a new wallaby friend to play with. Now Japurri lies around all day looking sad and bored because there’s no hippity-hoppity little bundle of furry fun to wrestle with and cuddle with. This is the agony that Joes Ingles has directly brought into my and Japurri’s lives. I don’t know how he sleeps at night.