I have tried many times to convince the Australian government that I would be a suitable wallaby owner. When I first demonstrated my willingness to adopt a wallaby and bring it back to the United States (by driving a go kart through remote areas of Australia searching for elusive wallaby clans and nearly dying of dehydration in the process), they arrested me. I was like the one American who cared enough about Australian wildlife to try to take one home as a pet, and they arrested me.
Listen here, Australian government people. DownToBuck has watched hours, literal hours, of wallaby footage on the internet. Through the watching of these videos, many of which were provided by reputable organizations such as zoos, conservancies, and individuals with Australian-sounding names, DownToBuck knows how to take care of both baby wallabies (they need a lot of feeding and cuddles) and adult wallabies (they need cuddles, cuddles, and cuddles). Not only does DownToBuck know how to properly care for a wallaby, but he has an adequate amount of space for a wallaby to thrive.
I mean, I’ve got an entire room in my apartment that I’m barely using. The wallaby can live there. I’ll name him “Rocko” and if he’s nice, I’ll let him have Pop-Tarts.
I have half a mind to take another flight to Australia and bribe an authentic Australian to find me a wallaby that I can take home. But Australian people are untrustworthy and I don’t want to get arrested again if they rat me out. Australian prisons are like torture chambers. They don’t let you make highlight videos even if you show them how you have 20k subscribers. I bet all those asshole prison guards combined have like 15k subs max. Also the food sucks in Aussie jail. Vegemite is inedible and Tim-Tams are garbage.
Joe Ingles in complicit in this. He has connections in the Australian political system. Right now he’s only using those connections to help funnel government dollars to university researchers studying baldness cures, but he could also be using those connections to help me get a god damn wallaby that can live in my house. If he’s feeling guilty that I’ve been making all these highlight videos of him for free (which he should be), this is the perfect way to pay me back. I don’t need cash. I need wallabies.
I wouldn’t say no to cash though.