“Utah nightclubs are boring,” Danuel House whined. “There’s a few chicks around but none of them seem interested in hanging out with us.” Tyson Chandler took a large swig from the expensive bottle of wine that was in his left hand, then took a larger swig from the expensive bottle of whiskey that was in…
Read MoreMonth: January 2020
Jakob Poeltl 16 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Jakob Poeltl would have had just the second twenty-burger of his career if he could have just made a few more gosh darn free throws. Not only that, but the Spurs likely would have won this game if he had just made a few more gosh darn free throws. Going 2/8 from the welfare stripe…
Read MoreDenzel Valentine 16 Points Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
At this point, there’s really only one logical reason for why Jim Boylen doesn’t give Denzel Valentine any minutes except in extreme circumstances: Jim Boylen went all of elementary school without receiving even a single valentine. That’s gotta be the reason. There can be no other reason. I’ve given it, like, ten minutes of thoughts…
Read MoreRobert Covington 24 Points Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Things were looking good for the Timberwolves in this game. They held an eighteen-point lead over the Kings at halftime, with Robert Covington contributing eighteen points of his own, meaning that even without Covington’s considerable contributions, the game still would have been tied at that point. The lead eventually extended to a maximum of 24…
Read MoreAlfonzo McKinnie 15 Points Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Sometimes I look at basketball-reference to trawl around for material to use in my video descriptions and come away shook by what I find. This is one of those times. I am shook by the revelations were contained on Alfonzo McKinnie’s basketball-reference page. The forbidden knowledge I have discovered has shooken me to my very…
Read MoreNemanja Bjelica 20 Points/8 Assists Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Nemanja Bjelica prowled the halls of the Target Center with cold, calculated purpose. The memories of the arena’s layout were coming back to him with each new hallway that he walked down. “Thibodeau…I’m coming for you…Thibodeau…Мрзим те!!” he snarled under his breath, mixing the English that he spoke among teammates with the Serbian that he…
Read MorePatty Mills 25 Points Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
I’m too unintelligent/lazy to figure out which players have been on their current teams for the longest stretch of time, but just by thinking about it for a while, I’ve come to the conclusion that Patty Mills has been on the Spurs longer than most players have been on their current teams. In fact, I…
Read MoreBam Adebayo Triple Double 20 Pts/10 Rebs/10 Asts Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Everybody knows what the next step in the evolution of Bam Adebayo’s game is: jumpers. He can do everything else, there is literally nowhere else for his game to go. Sure, he could maybe, like, refine his post moves or something, or work on running pick-and-rolls, but those are minor things. Jumpers are a major…
Read MoreDuncan Robinson 21 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (1/27/2020)
Is anybody else feeling really heartened by the fact that Duncan Robinson turned from an on-the-fringes scrublord who couldn’t get into games into a vital cog on one of the top teams in the East in the span of one off-season, solely on the basis of his shooting? Maybe I’m alone in feeling this way,…
Read MoreMonte Morris 17 Points Full Highlights (1/26/2020)
As far as I’m concerned, Jamal Murray AKA “Jamalways in a Hurry to Chuck the Ball” can stay injured for a long long time, because his scoring-first style of point guard play isn’t needed on this Nuggets team. What’s needed is Monte Morris and his careful shot selection, his precision passing, his small contract, and…
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