There’s not much that can faze Heat fans right now, and any attempt I make to denigrate them or their team will be construed as the salty, but inconsequential, babblings of a despondent Bucks fan, but that doesn’t mean I can’t try. And here’s the best I came up with:
The Heat will pay Andre Iguodala fifteen million dollars next season to be a worse version of Jae Crowder. And Jae Crowder will be a free agent this off-season so he might not even be around to see it. He’ll be counting out his fat new contract by laying out hundred-dollar bills across his entire living room floor. I understand that this is the way that NBA players typically react after they sign a new deal. Meanwhile, Iguodala will trip, fall, and break his hip while making the arduous three-foot journey to reach his walker so that he can get his prune juice from the fridge without having to ask his live-in nurse to do it.
The Heat will have some amount of cap space so they could theoretically re-sign Crowder, especially if he continues playing well in the playoffs and proves himself to be a vital piece to the Heat’s championship run (I didn’t like typing those last three words, by the way). But the Heat also have to save space to re-sign Solomon Hill to a thirty million dollar contract in the name of “loyalty” (in typical Heat fashion) and I bet Udonis Haslem is gonna want a four-year deal as well. So we’ll see what Crowder’s ultimate fate will be.
“Participated in a sweep of the number one seed in the East” looks pretty dang good on a resume, I gotta say.