https://youtu.be/kbX1kS32z78
On the surface, this Rockets versus Jazz matchup looked like just another random late-season game between two unevenly-matched teams. Nothing special, nothing notable, just another one of the thousands of games that comprise the NBA season. But a closer look reveals that this was actually a very exciting matchup between two players, Khyri Thomas and Matt Thomas. They both made their mark on this game, but who triumphed in the battle of the Thomases? I have analytically analyzed various aspects of the situation using the scientific method pioneered by Bill Nye, and have arrived at only true conclusions, the factual facts of which will now be factually presented to you, to see which one of these players really came out on top.
POINTS SCORED: Matt Thomas put in 5 points, a decent total for him. Meanwhile, Khyri Thomas dropped a career-high 27, far surpassing both his own previous career-high of 16 and Matt Thomas’ puny point total. This one shouldn’t even be a question, really. ADVANTAGE: Khyri
GENERAL BOXSCORE IMPACT: Outside of scoring, Matt had two rebounds, and an assist. Again, pretty good for him, because he’s not really the kind of guy who gets a lot of stats. Khyri, on the other hand, acquired the prestigious statistical feat called a “Scrub by Five”, which is where a player gets at least two of each boxscore stat, and is also a scrub. He had 5 rebounds, 3 assists, 5 steals, and 2 blocks, making sure his impact was felt in all areas of the game. Using high-level mathematical concepts (again, pioneered by Bill Nye), my analysis of this data indicates that Khyri came out way ahead here. ADVANTAGE: Khyri
GEOGRAPHICAL ORIGIN: Khyri is from Omaha, Nebraska. That’s cool, I don’t really have any strong feelings either way about Omaha or Nebraska I guess. Matt, though, is from Onalaska, Wisconsin. Wisconsin is objectively the best state out of all 50 states, and is also better than all American overseas territories, dependencies, and other miscellaneous land claims. And it’s not even really close. At all. ADVANTAGE: Matt
FOLLICULAR FORTITUDE: The quality and quantity of Khyri’s hair follicles is very impressive. Matt is lacking in both categories; you’d think that an NBA player’s salary would let him do something about his failing hairline. ADVANTAGE: Khyri
TEAM VICTORY STATUS: The NBA will have you believe that the Jazz “won” this game. All their literature, all their records, will show a “W” for the Jazz and an “L” for the Rockets. However, a more thorough examination of the circumstances surrounding this game shows that this was actually a win for the Rockets. I mean, come on. The Jazz are one of the best teams in the league, and the Rockets had to scrape together a playable lineup from random dudes they found hanging out behind the arena, tied together by Khyri and Kenyon Martin. Any rational observer would predict the Jazz to win this game by 60 or 70 points; the fact that it was as close as it was can only be describe as a victory for Houston. ADVANTAGE: Khyri
PIGMENTATION: Khyri is just way more pigmented than Matt, at least until you invert the colors on your viewing device. ADVANTAGE: Khyri
70’S DISCO RECORD COLLECTION: A quick look at Matt’s Discogs profile shows that his collection of disco vinyl from the 70’s is mostly a bunch of run-of-the-mill crap that any idiot could find browsing through the boxes at his local thrift store. Just a whole bunch of albums sold for 25 cents because everyone and their grandma has a copy. And we’re not even going to get into the non-disco stuff, which can only be described as “plebeian”. Meanwhile, Khyri’s 70’s disco record collection is chock-full of mint condition rarities, spanning all the most important artists from the genre, from the mass-market big-label titans down to the indie trendsetters. Highlighting his collection is a rare test-pressing of Donna Summer’s classic 1975 album, “Love To Love You Baby”, but that is only of many highly sought-after records that Khyri has in his possession.
To conclude, we have conclusively reached the conclusive conclusion, the factual facts have been factually fact-checked, and the true result is only truthful trueness. Matt Thomas is BETTER than Khyri Thomas, because he’s from Wisconsin. But Isaiah Thomas is BETTER than both of them.