When a player by the name of Elijah Bryant showed up in the box-score, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who shouted “Who the frick is that?” while comically tossing my glass of soda pop over my shoulder in surprise. It’s fine, I should probably drink less soda anyway. But the question remains, who the frick is Elijah Bryant?
I’m not motivated enough to go on a fact-finding expedition through the bowels of the internet in order to satisfactorily answer this question. I can only barely muster the energy to look at his basketball-reference page, which tells me enough things that I think I can get to the end of this video description without dying:
-Bryant went to two colleges, Elon University and BYU. Elon University, is, of course, the university owned by Elon Musk where the only degree programs is a Bachelor’s in Impulsively Tanking and Mooning Cryptocurrency Prices Through Well-Time Tweets. BYU is that Mormon place in Utah where you get kicked out if you bone your girlfriend. Shout out to Brandon Davies who got kicked out of BYU for boning his girlfriend. And shout out to Elijah Bryant for keeping it in his pants until he graduated. And shout out again to Elijah Bryant for not interfering with cryptocurrency prices too much.
-Bryant scored sixteen points, which is the second-highest-scoring rookie debut of the season. James Wiseman scored 19 in his debut. Patrick Williams scored sixteen as well. ROTY lock Anthony Edwards only scored 15, so who’s the real ROTY here?
-Bryant looks enough like Jordan Nwora that I had no hope of keeping them straight while watching this game. Just none at all. The main distinguishing feature, Nwora’s little beard, is hard to discern when viewing them from so far away. Throw Justin Jackson into the mix and I basically had no idea who was on the court for the Bucks at any given time.
-Bryant also looks like Bucks legend J.J. O’Brien, and I’m the only person in the world who realizes it. Superiority can be lonely sometimes.