“Dear Santa,
I know it’s the day after Christmas and that you want to be done giving out presents until next year, but I thought I would write this letter anyway.
Santa, I don’t know if you forgot my address or what but I totally didn’t get any presents from you this year. If I had gotten coal in my stocking I would at least understand that I had been too naughty for gifts, but I got neither coal in my stocking nor presents under my tree. Imagine my sadness when I woke up Christmas morning and saw the floor beneath my tree completely bare.
Now that you’re less busy after the hectic rush of Christmas, I want to request just one gift from you: a game from Willie Cauley-Stein where he shows his complete offensive arsenal of stepbacks, turnarounds, and three-pointers. I already know he can dunk, so I don’t need a lot of those, just one or two would be fine. But what I really want to see is him making DeAndre Jordan pay for being a rim protector by taking (and making) a bunch of shots away from the rim. The resultant highlight video would be the magnum opus of Cauley-Stein’s career.
You should be able to do this for me because 1.) it’s not a physical object, so it doesn’t even cost anything and 2.) you didn’t give me any presents this year even though I’m pretty sure I was way nicer than my cousin Travis, and he got a Nintendo Switch. I shouldn’t need to remind you that Travis abuses heroin on a regular basis. He is, by any definition, a naughty boy.
Don’t forget, I know where the north pole is and I have the means to get there, so don’t mess with me. I heard Mrs. Claus likes to get with younger guys like me. Just saying.
Your friend,
-DownToBuck”