“Dear Diary,
Despite the fact that it is barely November, already there have been accumulations of the cursed white sand which this land of Minnesota has been punished with by Satan himself. This has forced me to take precautionary measures much earlier in the NBA season than I am used to. If even one grain of that accursed sand so much as grazes my exposed flesh, the consequences are very grave indeed.
I will give the residents of this cursed land credit. When, in the middle of October, the evil white particles fell from the sky to collect upon the ground, they expressed dismay just as I did. However, as the winter season progresses, and Satan’s precipitation becomes more “seasonal” for the time of year, these Minnesotans will come to enjoy the so-called “snow”, while I will still be tormented daily by it.
Luckily, construction of a tunnel between my detached garage and my house was finished well before the first flake of demonic white sand was sent forth from the clouds where Satan resides. My neighbor warned me that unauthorized construction projects are prohibited, but he was unaware of how dire my situation was. I could die if I am touched by that which these people call “snow”. In those circumstances, the digging of the tunnel was justified.
Now I am able to function during Minnesota winter without having to step outside and risk death. My layers of boots, jackets, and scarves, which were impractacable, are replaced by a single stylish hoodie or blazer. There is still much anxiety that I will be forced into a situation where I am unable to avoid going outside while the cursed white sand is falling, but overall, I am optimistic that this winter season will be less fraught with terror as previous winters were.
However, if I am embroiled in trade discussions with teams based in the southern United States, I will not argue. I am very eager indeed to depart this cursed land of Minnesota where Satan ensures that the cursed white sand is an omnipresent threat.
-Gorgui”