I am currently drafting a proposal to the Suns organization which details a proposed new version of timeout and halftime entertainment: Wave Papi’s Beauty Tips.
Basically, the idea behind this new segment is to replace all the tired old activities that teams trot out during breaks in play: kiss cam, dance cam, half-court shots, trivia contests with horrible pointless prizes, etc. In Wave Papi’s Beauty Tips, average-looking (and below-averaging-looking) Americans are found in the stands and shown on the jumbotron. Then, while they’re standing there, Kelly Oubre absolutely roasts them for their bad fashion choices and their obvious lack of a personal care routine.
Guy has a combover? Roast him. Dude’s wearing pants two sizes too big because he obviously can’t shop for himself? Roast him. Whole group of teenage girls are wearing the same uninspired hoodie and leggings outfit? Roast them. Woman is fat? Knock the box of french fries out of her hand and roast her. Five-year-old boy is wearing a too-big t-shirt that he won from the t-shirt cannon? Roast him until he cries. Eight-year-old girl has greasy hair? Roast her until she cries and then throw a bottle of shampoo at her head. Since Wave Papi is the ultimate authority on all things related to beauty, everybody else who is witnessing this unfolding on the jumbotron will either laugh at the misfortune of the targeted person or nod somberly in agreement with Wave Papi’s judgements. The targeted fans will not have a microphone and will not be given a chance to protest. Wave Papi’s judgements are final. Maybe you could even give Oubre a little gavel and podium to play up the judge angle. The possibilities are endless.
This new entertainment option would require Oubre to skip all the huddles as well as skip whatever it is that teams do during halftime (get yelled at by their coach and eat nachos, probably). I don’t know if that presents a problem. But whatever amount the Suns stand to monetarily gain by having Oubre receiving coaching, they’ll receive ten times that amount by having Oubre lay into ugly people about being ugly.
And of course, since I came up with the idea, all that additional money will flow right into my pockets in order to fund the expansion of my highlights empire.