Markelle Fultz was on his way what possibly would have been the third 20-point, 10-assist game of his career, but his evening was cut short when he went up for a block and, after coming down from his flight, immediately had a debilitating calf cramp.
I’ve mentioned before that I’m “Mr. Cramps” at the park. Those dudes just know that I am cramp-prone. Being as I am the world’s foremost expert on basketball cramps, I will now provide a list of remedies and prevention tips that Fultz can have at the ready next time it happens to him:
CRAMP TIP #1: Eat tons of bananas before the game.
CRAMP TIP #2: Rub bananas on the effected area in case of cramp.
CRAMP TIP #3: Don’t jump for rebounds. Let your big men get the rebound. They’ll love you for it.
CRAMP TIP #4: Turn on the air conditioning in the arena BEFORE the game starts.
CRAMP TIP #5: If you cramp unexpectedly, pull the pocket knife from your shoe and slice your ACL in half. That way, you’ll be the guy who went down with an ACL injury like a boss instead of the wimp who got a widdle cwampy-wampy.
CRAMP TIP #6: Do not let anybody see your tears.
CRAMP TIP #7: Do stretches before the game, during breaks in play, and while you’re supposed to be playing defense.
You might be asking yourself, “If DTB knows how to deal with cramps, why is his nickname as the park ‘Mr. Cramps’?”. That’s a good question. The answer is that I need some small amount of notoriety in my life and I wouldn’t get that if I could just run and jump for an hour straight without suffering debilitating muscle cramps in my legs.