When I signed up to make Malik Beasley highlight videos, I didn’t sign up for him being a complete beast night in and night out. Players who are beasts of that magnitude have a special place on my channel, and that place is called “the exclusion list”. Am I loving the fact that Beasley is breaking out for the Timberwolves in a way that the Nuggets were never going to allow him to? Yes. I am, as they say, lovin’ it (McDonald’s executives are currently tapping their fingers together and nodding sinisterly). But it’s not what I signed up for. This volume of videos is becoming too much.
The other thing I didn’t sign up for is a Malik Beasley highlight video where all he does is hit layups and dunk it a few times (although dunks are just extra-powerful layups, IMHO my humble opinion). He hit one three-pointer at the end of this video as if to taunt me: “I could have been splashing highly-entertaining three-pointers and midrange jumpers like I usually do but instead I just hit a bunch of LAME-ups!” If I knew what Beasley’s voice sounded like, I could imagine those words echoing in my head, but I don’t know what his voice sounds like. I barely know what any NBA player’s voice sounds like, honestly. The one time I heard Tony Snell speak was so traumatizing that I go out of my way to avoid player interviews.
One final thing I didn’t sign up for: all these Domino’s pizza promotions flooding my inbox. I don’t even like Domino’s. If I’m getting cheap pizza it’s Pizza Hut all day every day. Their pizza sucks, but they have those mini Cinnabon cinnamon rolls so if I’m ever a bad mood I just order like six boxes of those delivered to my house and eat them over the course of a few hours. The cinnamon rolls are extra awesome because Japurri doesn’t like sweet things so he doesn’t beg for them/try to steal them off my desk while I’m chowing down.
Can Pizza Hut or Cinnabon please cut me a check for a thousand bucks now?