Attention sensationalist media outlets:
Thanks to your efforts, the whole world knows about how Matt Barnes and Derek Fisher got into a brawl over some stretched-out poon. One of the year’s most compelling stories brought to light thanks to your tireless dedication to trashy tabloid-esque garbage.
Enough formalities. It is time for business.
I (DownToBuck) am willing to pay up to one hundred and twenty-seven (127) U.S. dollars for the footage of the incident, to be broadcast exclusively on my YouTube channel. I know you have the footage. How could you not? Not only do you have a great angle of the backyard throwdown from a neighbor’s rooftop, but you also have multiple auxiliary camera angles from locales including but not limited to: beneath the surface of the swimming pool, inside the house, inside a tree trunk, from within the chick’s used-up hoo-ha, and from a camera strapped to Barnes’ forehead. You also have footage of Barnes rolling up to Fisher’s house in a slick black Lambo. All of the above footage will be furnished to me for a sum of 127 smackers.
Why you have continued to withhold this titillating content from your readership remains unclear. It is possible that you have not yet received a good enough offer, knowing that the video has more value in the hands of someone else. That changes now. DownToBuck is making an offer that will blow your socks off. $127. That’s a lot of dough.
Just think about it, okay?