For the past few days, I’ve just been trying to forget about the fact that I am the target of a statewide manhunt. Well, I’m technically not the primary target. That would be Buddy, my 12-foot-tall sentient 3D-printed naked purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield that I ordered online for $3,000 bucks over a year…
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Nikola Jokic 26 Points/6 Assists/1 Dunk Full Highlights (1/3/2019)
In the dimly-lit back room of a Denver nightclub, loud swears in a language that was not English filled the air. “You rat, that was my trick!” Nikola Jokic yelled, throwing down his hand of cards in a fit of good-natured anger. “Don’t you know the damn rules?” Nemanja Bjelica took downed his cocktail in…
Read MoreBuddy Hield 28 Points Full Highlights (1/1/2018)
The aftermath of my nighttime zoo excursion with Buddy, my 12-foot-tall sentient naked purple 3D-printed purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield, that had the stated goal of petting the cute goats but ended with Buddy killing five different dudes, was overall easy to deal with. That’s because I adopted an “I did nothing wrong” mantra,…
Read MoreJusuf Nurkic 5 by 5 (24 Pts, 23 Rebs, 7 Asts, 5 Stls, 5 Blks) Full Highlights (1/1/2019)
“Yo, is something up with Jusuf?” asked Evan Turner to Meyers Leonard in the locker room before the game. He stood in front of Jusuf and waved his arms, but there was no reaction from the seven-foot Bosnian, who was staring straight ahead with a vacant look in his eyes. “He’s getting in the zone,”…
Read MoreDanuel House 16 Points Full Highlights (12/31/2018)
Seeing the name Danuel House reminds me of his nickname, “House Party”, and the concept of a house party serves as a neat transition into the real meat of this video description, which will describe how the events of New Year’s Eve unfolded in the DTB household. Sorry Danuel. You’re getting ignored from here on…
Read MoreTomas Satoransky 20 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (12/29/2018)
Tomas Satoransky was digging through his duffel bag, looking for the second sock of his pair, when he noticed Wizards coach Scott Brooks walking towards him. Scott had a very deliberate look on his face as he walked towards Tomas, so Tomas quickly switched from his “locker-room vulgarity” personality to his “taking things seriously for…
Read MoreBam Adebayo 18 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (12/28/2018)
Crawling underneath my bed, I recover the sacred stone tablet which will serve as the final beacon of humanity after nuclear annihilation and ultra-lethal pathogens have wiped humankind from the terrestrial sphere of earth. On this tablet are inscribed the names of NBA players who made a significant amount of field goals in a game…
Read MoreBuddy Hield 28 Points Full Highlights (12/23/2018)
When I woke up the next morning, I did what I usually do, which is scratch my ass, throw on some clothes, put a little bit of food and water in Japurri’s bowls (he doesn’t shut up until I do that for him) and trundle to my computer to get started on the day’s activities…
Read MoreKelly Oubre 20 Points Full Highlights (12/22/2018)
Kelly Oubre sat in his locker, not moving, just staring intensely at the handmade doll which he held in his hands. “Yo Kelly, playing with dolls?” came the joking voice of Devin Booker. Kelly looked up and gave his new Suns teammate a harsh glare. “It might indeed by a doll, Devin, but I am…
Read MoreThomas Bryant Career High 31 Points/0 Missed Field Goals Full Highlights (12/22/2018)
Thomas Bryant was taking off his shoes when he noticed that his immediate vicinity had just gotten significantly dimmer. Looking up, he saw what was blocking all the light: it was the hulking, suit-wearing form of teammate Dwight Howard. “Great game rook,” Dwight said with a big smile on his face. “That win was all…
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