Or: “The Players You Think of When You Think ‘NBA Players'”
We are gathered here on the day of the start of the 2018-19 NBA preseason, excited to see what is in store. But first, it is time to close the book on the 2017-18 season with what hopefully will become a time-honored tradition: a series of videos depicting the first made field goal from EVERY player who appeared in an NBA game. At least, all the NBA players who made field goals, so all but 12. We start with the superstars, those who dance in the clouds adorned with wings like an angel’s, and work our way down through the various layers of player-quality, descending deeper and deeper until we hit the jet-black bedrock of near-total futility perpetrated by the bummiest scrublords. A full record of the 2017-18 NBA season, distilled into 40 minutes of tightly compressed video.
Does anyone know how to get in touch with the Smithsonian? This is the kind of thing that needs to be immortalized. Forever.
Rather than write some sort of epic novel-length story incorporating every player as a character, because to be honest I’m kind of burned out with all the stories I had to write in the last few weeks, I’m just going to offer some commentary, with timestamps.
0:00 LeBron made almost 10% more field goals than the next best player. There’s no way he isn’t roiding. Just no way.
0:05 That is not a floater. Come on Joel Meyers. That is an “I’m a big so I’m going to take this crappy running hook shot, because bigs are supposed to take hook shots” shot. Credit to Meyers though, he got the “AD” part right.
0:09 The first appearance of many for Ron Baker the Virginity Taker.
0:14 Giannis dunked on Aron Baynes approximately 1 billion times this season.
0:23 Don’t even try to tell me that Beal made the 6th most field goals of anyone. Bradley Beal? FOH.
0:41 I started off the season doing highlights of this guy. How was I supposed to know he would be such a beast?
1:09 Gather step.
1:51 Warren made 529 buckets without once attracting the attention of the national media, except for Zach Lowe who doesn’t count because I’m pretty sure he reads my descriptions and steals ideas from them. I’m on to you, Zach.
1:56 The “Joel Embiid Headband” era has come and gone, but its impact on the landscape of the NBA cannot be overstated.
2:21 Everyone (including myself) told me that Nurkic sucks on offense, but his position in this video doesn’t lie.
3:21 Early candidate for “most pathetic bucket” in the whole series. Neither player involved can jump.
3:36 Taj Gibson: only slightly worse than Stephen Curry.
3:40 As if the last one wasn’t bad enough, this is the part of the series were everything goes to heck. Nothing makes sense after this point.
4:44 Boomed him.
5:01 If I have to sit through another season of “proud to own the three-point zone” I’m going to boycott the Suns. Suns fans had better start a letter-writing campaign or something if they want their precious DTB highlights.
5:14 This is a terrifying glimpse into a future where Neil Funk is no longer calling Bulls games.
5:32 “Nice. That time he didn’t settle for the three.” Little did they know. Turns out that that’s actually what you want him doing at all times. Settling for the three. Because he’s frickin’ good at them.
6:01 My thoughts exactly, DeMarcus. My thoughts exactly.
6:24 Is there some way we can just all collectively pretend that Jeff Teague is too good for my channel? Please?
6:28 Montrezl Harrell went from “garbage time only” in October to “better than DeAndre Jordan” by December.
6:32 Dirk is in part one and his shot disappeared off the top of the screen. All is right with the world.
6:54 RHJ looks at people saying the the midrange game is dead and laughs. People saying the midrange game is dead look at his shooting form and puke.
7:12 KCP ran the break so fast here that his GPS ankle monitor gave him a speeding ticket.
7:20 A rare shot for Marco where he’s not being triple-teamed but shooting it anyway.
7:33 I would roast K-Love for missing such an easy layup but I know he’s got some mental health troubles so I’m going to be patronizingly coddling instead.
8:00 Question answered literally right as you were done asking it. Couldn’t you have waited a second or two before opening your mouth?
8:05 Way to waste the nickname you were working on for the whole offseason on the first dunk of the season.
8:43 It’s kind of cool that Johnson&Johnson made the same amount of shots for the year. Not really though.
8:53 You just know he worked on that spin and fade all summer and couldn’t wait to show it off.
9:09 Piece of evidence 1 of 305 that Joe Harris could be just as good as Klay Thompson if he was on the Warriors and not the Nets.
9:32 At least Baynes didn’t get dunked on. I think the topknot makes him a a target.
9:37 Hey, not a bad conclusion to part one! I was worried it would be like Corey Brewer or something.