Happy birthday Kelly Oubre! You have, officially, completed 24 FULL revolutions around the Sun since the time you were expelled rudely from your mother without any say in the matter. Consume the cake that has been assigned to you! Drink the alcohol that has been poured for you! Win the basketball game that you were compelled to play in!
I don’t know what the nightlife scene is like in Phoenix, but I assume there is one (they have to have one, right, there’s a surprising amount of millions of people there and they’re not ALL retirees and snowbirds, are they?), and I further assume that Oubre is going to be enjoying his birthday at the toniest spot he can find. There will be booze (of the ludicrously expensive variety). There will be women (of the visually pleasing variety). There will be an ironically-decorated cake (of the chocolate variety, actually, make the women the chocolate variety as well). Will there be Instagram stories or videos or Snapchats or whatever showing various Suns players in less-than-ideal situations? I frickin’ hope so.
Before he could start partying, though, Oubre had to go out and win a basketball game. What a drag! I know when it’s my birthday, I don’t take the day off, but if I was an NBA player, I’d totally fake an injury so I could spend the whole day relaxing. They pay Oubre to play, sure, but they also want him to be the happiest and most content version of Oubre that he can be. He scored 24 points in this one, but you could tell that he really wanted to be pregaming at Diego O’Laughlin’s Tequila and Whiskey Emporium before going to the really fancy places closer to downtown.