Andrew Wiggins: BETTER or WORSE than Jesus Christ?
Let’s take a look at the facts.
[DRAFT POSITION]
Wiggins: Drafted first overall
Jesus: Undrafted
Who wins? Wiggins
[TEAM AS OF THIS WRITING]
Wiggins: Minnesota Timberwolves
Jesus: Free agent
Who wins? Wiggins
[AGE]
Wiggins: 20
Jesus: Hard to pinpoint exactly. 32? Immortal? 2015? If it’s the latter he’s probably past his prime.
Who wins? Wiggins
[BASKETBALL SKILL]
Wiggins: How many times do I have to say it? Wiggins is the real thing. If Anthony Davis never existed, Wiggins would be the most surefire stud picked in the draft in the past ten years. I wish I had a time machine so I could see how thoroughly he’s dominating the league in five years.
Jesus: It’s unclear whether Jesus ever actually played basketball. I bet he would be okay at it if he tried, but we’re looking at facts here, not conjecture.
Who wins? Wiggins
[ABILITY TO PERFORM MIRACLES]
Wiggins: Can hit some tough shots at times, but those aren’t really miracles, just lucky bounces.
Jesus: Pretty much a (water-) walking miracle machine. He can just point at stuff and turn it into different stuff. Your dog died? No problem, Jesus can just throw his sandal at it and it will be alive again and also be able to do tricks. For more examples, please refer to the Bible.
Who wins? Jesus
[SIN-ABSOLVING SKILL]
Wiggins: Has no ability to save mankind from its sins.
Jesus: Has already saved us from our sins and will probably do it again when he feels like it.
Who wins? Jesus
[LEADERSHIP]
Wiggins: Not really the leader this year for the Timberwolves. He’ll have to work on this.
Jesus: Led twelve dudes without a problem, coincidentally the amount that you usually find on an NBA team. Ended up starting a whole religion with his charisma.
Who wins? Jesus
[CIRCUMSTANCES SURROUNDING BIRTH]
Wiggins: Born normally to a woman who never claimed that she was still a virgin even though she just had a friggin’ baby and babies don’t just appear out of nowhere.
Jesus: Born by the “virgin” Mary. Yeah right. She had to say that so she wouldn’t get stoned to death.
Who wins? Wiggins
[REALNESS]
Wiggins: Is a real human being.
Jesus: Realness as a human being is debatable. If he was real, he almost certainly never did any of the things that were attributed to him. Back then people believed a lot of weird stuff about magic and deities and stuff and so they wrote it down and now we think it’s the word of God. Come to think of it, people these days believe all the same weird stuff, except now they have to ignore science in order to not suffer from massive internal quandaries.
Who wins? Wiggins
FINAL VERDICT: Andrew Wiggins is BETTER than Jesus Christ.