This week’s biggest busts: Lakers -5, Celtics -4, Timberwolves -4
This week’s biggest successes: Wizards +7, Pacers +4, Nuggets +2, Knicks +2, Hornets +2
1. Golden State Warriors (20-4, 3-1 this week) (last week: #1 [2-1] +0)
With Klay Thompson scoring sixty points in three quarters, we can now officially put to rest the debate of which Warrior would be most negatively impacted by Durant’s arrival. It’s not Curry. It’s not Durant himself. It can’t be Thompson because he just scored sixty friggin points (did anybody even think to replicate Wilt’s iconic “100” photo?). It’s Kevin Durant’s hair. That bald spot is getting really bad and the stress of being targeted by the hatred of OKC fans certainly isn’t helping that hair grow back. We’re talking about Manu Ginobili levels of baldness in the next two years. RIP Kevin Durant’s hair.
2. San Antonio Spurs (19-5, 3-1 this week) (last week: #2 [2-1] +0)
Gregg Popovich had to call out his team again because they weren’t playing with enough effort. Since the Spurs have a good record and are playing well on this surface, this sounds to me like a veiled plea for the Spurs to dunk the ball more often. Think about it: the Spurs are twentieth in total dunks this year and it shows. Fan interest is flagging and the players are zombie-walking through games because they aren’t excited enough. If Jonathon Simmons wasn’t on the team their only dunk this year would be David Lee administering a weak poster on Kelly Olynyk. Pop is rightfully concerned.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers (17-5, 4-0 this week) (last week: #4 [1-3] +1)
The Cavaliers gave us a sweet Rickroll-themed intro video, and I will admit that it was pretty funny since Rickrolling will never stop being awesome, but so caught up were we in the funny outfits and oddly precise lip-syncing that we didn’t even realize that we were being deliberately distracted from more serious matters. Namely, the fact that J.R. Smith held the team hostage for a huge contract and isn’t even coming close to living up to it now that he’s got it. Fourteen million a year to shoot 31% from the field? No thanks. Way no thanks. I might have gotten Rickrolled but I won’t be won over with such simple delights when this robbery is taking place right under our noses.
4. Toronto Raptors (16-7, 2-1 this week) (last week: #5 [4-0] +1)
We can now start letting ourselves believe that the Eastern conference will be contested this season. A statement such as “the Raptors are playing better than the Cavaliers” is no longer the deluded rambling of a crazed Raptors fan, but instead, a reasonable utterance from the mouth of a learned NBA scholar. I can only imagine how badly the internet would melt down if the Raptors actually made the NBA finals. And if they lost when they got there? No. No. It is not worth thinking about such things.
5. Houston Rockets (17-7, 4-0 this week) (last week: #6 [3-1] +1)
The Rockets still have the second-highest-scoring offense in the league behind the Warriors. Having Harden, Gordon, Capela, and Anderson playing together in the D’Antoni system it playing out exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, how everybody thought it would. It is a little bit surprising that their defense isn’t even bottom-third in the league, but offensively, we all knew that the Beard would be unleashed playing under the Pringles Man. Once Ryan Anderson gets out of his slump, I’ll be expecting the Rockets to make a strong push for not just the conference finals but the finals themselves. You read it here first (unless somebody else wrote it down before I did).
6. Los Angeles Clippers (17-7, 1-2 this week) (last week: #3 [2-2] -3)
Chris Paul looks like he’s coming back down to earth, but he still leads ESPN’s Real Plus-Minus stat by a significant margin. This is probably the one positive thing that ESPN contributed to the sports world: a stat that tells us how Chris Paul is the best player in the league and Evan Turner is the worst. Now I will throw my hat into the stat-creation ring: CFA. Conference finals appearances. This is one stat where Evan Turner soundly beats Chris Paul so it’s probably not a very good stat. LAST MINUTE UPDATE: CHRIS PAUL JUST HAD A 20-20 GAME SO IF HE WAS COMING BACK DOWN TO EARTH, HE HAS NOW OFFICIALLY EXITED EARTH’S ORBIT
7. Utah Jazz (15-10, 3-1 this week) (last week: #7 [3-1] +0)
Rudy Gobert has appeared in (and started) every game so far this year, but is the only projected starter to do so. Rodney Hood, Gordon Hayward, Derrick Favors, and George Hill have all been injured at some point (or at multiple points). Jazz fans will be happy to tell you of this fact when attempting to justify their vaguely disappointing record. Don’t listen to these fans. DTB has the real story: if you want all your starers to play in all your games, just don’t let them get injured. Duh. I’ve got this coaching stuff down pat. Where do I send my resume?
8. Oklahoma City Thunder (14-9, 2-1 this week) (last week: #9 [2-0] +1)
It’s time for some real talk right now. The long-ago separation of the “MVP Three” (Durant, Westbrook, and Harden) was a great thing for the league. Instead of having three MVP-caliber players fighting over the ball and utterly marginalizing every other player on the team, we have three MVP-caliber players on separate teams getting to shoot as many shots as they want. Sure, it might have cost the Thunder some rings, but isn’t Westbrook getting seven triple-doubles in a row better than a ring? No?
9. Chicago Bulls (13-10, 2-2 this week) (last week: #10 [1-2] +1)
After losing in embarrassing fashion to the bottom-dwelling Mavericks at the end of last week, the Bulls lost their first two this week before getting back on track with a win over the Spurs. The bench woes continue unabated, and there was more bad news on that front as competent bench scorer Doug McDermott (no I will not refer to him by his lame nickname, and no I will not even type in inside of parenthesis) was concussed so hard that he got teleported to the D-League. Maybe he can join T.J. Warren in the “club of players who have mysterious head injuries so serious that can’t be discussed plainly by the teams who employ them.”
10. Memphis Grizzlies (17-8, 4-0 this week) (last week: #11 [2-2] +1)
I thought power rankings were supposed to be easy but they most definitely are not. Late in the week I was all set to demote the Grizzlies to around fifteenth or so; they could only beat the Magic by two, the Pelicans by two, and the 76ers by five. Their good record was looking fluky. Then they administered a curb-stomping to the league-best Warriors by distributing the scoring load among all their scrubs and playing the stifling defense that they have become known for over the past half-decade. If they had just rolled over and gotten thrashed by thirty like I expected them to, I wouldn’t have had to rewrite this entire section. I blame Tony Allen.
11. Charlotte Hornets (14-10, 3-1 this week) (last week: #13 [2-2] +2)
Every week I struggle to write something about the Hornets. They are truly a one-man show but I can’t talk about Kemba Walker every week. Who else do I talk about? Their second-leading scorer is Nic Batum who scores a scorching thirteen per game. Then it’s Kaminsky, Belinelli, Zeller, Kidd-Gilchrist, Starvin’ Marvin Williams, and Lamb all scoring between nine and eleven points per game. The way they distribute the scoring load just does not lend itself to cutting, witty observations. They should re-trade for Al Jefferson and get Monta Ellis in there too so at least I could have something to say. Consider this section finished.
12. Boston Celtics (13-10, 1-2 this week) (last week: #8 [3-1] -4)
The Celtics are proving to be, week in and week out, the most difficult team to rank in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS. They’re, like, shapeshifting between being a good team and a mediocre team. Shapeshifting like the aliens who are residing on Earth RIGHT NOW. Now, I’m not saying that anybody on the Celtics is an alien, I’m just saying that it shouldn’t be ruled out. This isn’t like that Ancient Aliens show where normal historical occurrences are attributed to aliens. I’m not doing that. It’s just, the Celtics sometimes look like an ECF-caliber team and other times they don’t even look like a playoff team. Aliens could be to blame.
13. Detroit Pistons (13-12, 2-2 this week) (last week: #12 [3-0] -1)
Andre Drummond had two 20-20 games in a row against the Hornets (Cody Zeller LOL) and Wolves (KAT = Kareless About TheRebounds). He only had one such game in the previous 22 outings. Here’s where I’m supposed to draw a conclusion that displays uncanny levels of knowledge and insight but I don’t have any conclusions so you’ll have to come up with your own. Here’s another tidbit that might help you generate some conclusions: Drummond is now shooting 45% from the free throw line this season, which is still awful and inexcusable but not as awful and inexcusable as it has been in past seasons.
14. New York Knicks (13-10, 3-1 this week) (last week: #16 [2-1] +2)
Just as Kristaps is fading out of this odd reality, Derrick Rose appears. However, in this place, his knees don’t seem to have ever healed. In fact, they appear to be split open as if they are still being surgically operated on. Disconnected tendons hang limply from the open wounds, and I can see off-white bone deep inside the bloody crevices. “The Knicks will be a superteam this year.” he intones lifelessly, and I wonder if he’s dead. “With the pieces we brought in, you can assume. Superteam this year.” Suddenly, he walks over to the green fountain and gets into it. The flesh of his legs immediately begins to sizzle and cook, and when I grab at him to pull him out of harm’s way, my hands go right through him as if he weren’t there at all. The smell of singed, melting skin fills the air.
15. Indiana Pacers (12-12, 3-2 this week) (last week: #19 [1-1] +4)
Pacers: most inconsistent team in the league? Yes. Beating the Clippers by ten and then immediately turning around to get BTFO by the Warriors, and THEN losing to the Mavs in non-BTFO fashion could not be considered “consistent” in any way. That is, unless you’re talking about being consistently inconsistent, but that’s a stupid way to interpret the concept of consistency, so if you have at any point thought a similarly-worded thought, you’re a stupid. The Pacers are inconsistent, Monta Ellis is probably the culprit, and that’s final.
16. Milwaukee Bucks (11-11, 1-3 this week) (last week: #14 [4-0] -2)
Giannis opened the locker room fridge before the game, expecting to see the customary fresh selection of smoothies waiting for him, but instead finding nothing but normal Gatorade and water. A small amount of panic crept into his mind, but he pushed it aside. The training staff knew that he wanted to drink at least two smoothies before every game. They would surely arrive soon with smoothies in hand. But as the minutes ticked by and tip-off against the Hawks grew ever closer, Giannis became gradually more concerned. He thought about talking to one of the trainers, but decided against it; nobody on the team knew how vital the smoothies were to his on-court success, and if they found out, they would probably try to wean him off the beverage. That thought was unbearable to Giannis. He would rather go into a game unprepared than risk even the remotest chance of having his smoothie intake reduced. When the game finally started, Giannis felt weak and lethargic, and his mind was elsewhere. His teammates threw concerned looks in his direction, but Giannis barely noticed them. All he could think about was his craving for a smoothie.
17. Portland Trail Blazers (12-13, 1-3 this week) (last week: #15 [2-1] -2)
Blazers GM Neil Olshey paced frantically in his office. “Why is our defense so terrible? Is it because we have two midgets in the frontcourt?” he muttered to himself, unable to sit still. “I thought Aminu and Davis were supposed to be defensive specialists! Why isn’t it working? Is it Plumlee’s fault?” In the corner of his eye he caught the single framed picture he kept on his desk; stopping to pick it up, he gazed into the familiar face it presented. “You would know just what to say to pick my spirits back up,” he said to it. Slowly, tentatively, he brought it up to his face and puckered his lips to give it a kiss. Then, just before his lips made contact, he threw the frame away, shattering it. “No! It’s over! I can’t be with you anymore!” The shattered glass lying on the picture of LaMarcus Aldridge almost made it seem like there were tears in his smiling eyes.
18. Atlanta Hawks (12-12, 2-1 this week) (last week: #18 [0-5] +0)
For the first time ever, the Hawks are better on offense when Kyle Korver is sitting. Could this mean that Korver’s reign of being the steadiest, most valuable role-player in the NBA is finally drawing to a close? This is the second year in a row where his three-point percentage is hovering in the high thirties; we had all gotten used to him being the best three-point shooter in the league and all of a sudden he clearly isn’t and clearly will never be again. This is the last year of his contract but it’s too early to say the dreaded “R” word. I shouldn’t even be thinking it. It’s too sad.
19. Washington Wizards (9-13, 3-1 this week) (last week: #26 [1-2] +7)
John Wall scored 52 points against the Magic and it wasn’t even enough to beat them. In the secret inner depths of his mind he probably blames the loss on Bradley Beal. Would he even be wrong? Wall did all he could to win that game. He even got eight assists, showing the ability to try to get his teammates involved even when he was obviously the hottest player on the court. DTB’S OFFICIAL WIZARDS LOCKER ROOM PUNCHING FIGHT PREDICTION: in three weeks there will be a punching fight in the Wizards locker room with Wall and Beal as the primary combatants.
20. Denver Nuggets (9-15, 2-2 this week) (last week: #22 [1-3] +2)
OFFICIAL LIST OF PLAYERS WHO HAVE OVER 500 MINUTES PLAYED AND HAVE NEGATIVE WIN SHARES: Robert Covington, Dario Saric, Brandon Ingram, and Emmanuel Mudiay. There’s not much point to this list other than to illustrate how few players there are that get to play a ton of minutes while sucking. The Nuggets surely realize by now that Mudiay isn’t exactly a positive player at the moment, and that starting Jameer Nelson would result in several more wins over the course of the season. Their thinking must be that Mudiay needs these minutes to develop or he’ll never be the point guard of the future. My thinking is that they should bring him off the bench and see if he can be more effective that way. Or bench him entirely and see how mad he gets. My guess: he’d be pretty mad.
21. New Orleans Pelicans (7-17, 0-4 this week) (last week: #20 [1-2] -1)
The Pelicans waived Anthony Brown to sign Reggie Williams. This sounds like a lateral move because it is a lateral move. The one negative I can think of is that Anthony Davis will no longer have any competition, however meager that competition might be, at being the best Anthony on the team. Can they trade for Anthony Tolliver? When does Tolliver become eligible to be traded anyway? He’s pretty much like Q-Pon except he’s actually ready to play right now, and his name is Anthony. He’s such a perfect trade target that I’m honestly a little confused why Zach Lowe hasn’t tweeted about this yet.
22. Los Angeles Lakers (10-15, 0-3 this week) (last week: #17 [2-3] -5)
Expectations have now fully caught up to the inexperienced Lakers, losers of five straight. They miss D’Angelo Russell. They miss Nick Young (it feels dirty to type that out but there it is). They miss the version of Luol Deng they thought they were getting (nobody would miss the current Luol Deng). They even miss Jose Calderon, even if it’s only because D-Lo is also out (starting Marcelo Huertas = guaranteed losses). Lou Williams averaging 35 points per game in the last four is something that the Lakers will definitely be missing when it turns out that Sweet Lou can’t do that for an entire season no matter how much you wish he would.
23. Miami Heat (7-17, 0-4 this week) (last week: #21 [2-2] -2)
The Heat are struggling with a number of injuries to “key” players like Dion Waiters and Justise Winslow, but the Heat were bad even when everybody was relatively healthy so their injury situation is irrelevant. Dion Waiters being out probably helps the team win games (advanced stats have never been good to that dude) and the thin rotation has allowed Wayne Ellington to emerge as a credible shooting threat. Luke Babbitt’s injury, meanwhile, has not really had any effect on anything.
24. Sacramento Kings (8-15, 1-3 this week) (last week: #24 [1-2] +0)
The Kings are middle of the road in both offensive rating and defensive rating, but are consistently unable to turn this mediocrity into wins. Now some anonymous GM went on record as saying that he wouldn’t trade for Cousins because he doesn’t want that toxic attitude poisoning his young players. Maybe we’ve discovered the hidden truth as to why the Kings seemingly draft nothing but busts year after year! It’s because their talent is sapped out of them by DeMarcus Cousins’ toxic attitude! Somebody should send a letter of apology to Jimmer Fredette.
25. Phoenix Suns (7-16, 1-2 this week) (last week: #25 [1-2] +0)
We haven’t yet heard any trade rumors about Brandon Knight, but you know McDonough is working the phones trying to unclog his guard rotation a little bit and get the severely underperforming Knight to go underperform somewhere else. If a trade can’t get arranged and Knight puts up any more 6-of-18 games (which seems to be his norm now), I can see McDonough simply hitting Knight in the head with a shovel to knock him out, dragging his body out into the middle of the desert, digging a hole with the same shovel, and then burying Knight alive in the hole. That’s what I would do if I couldn’t trade that chucker.
26. Orlando Magic (10-15, 2-3 this week) (last week: #27 [2-2] +1)
Minutes for Mario Hezonja have dwindled to almost nothing, a bad sign for last year’s fifth overall pick. There must be some middle ground between clearly not showing any confidence in your second-year player at all and giving him too many minutes for his level of production (coughcough Emmanuel Mudiay coughcoughwheeze). That middle ground would be something like fifteen minutes a game, every game, with no random DNP-s. Frank Vogel is still doggedly pursuing wins, though, so I’m not optimistic for Hezonja’s chances at consistent playing time. For now I’ll just go watch his DraftExpress video and weep to myself.
27. Minnesota Timberwolves (6-17, 0-3 this week) (last week: #23 [1-3] -4)
DTB’S OFFICIAL RICKY RUBIO DISCONTENT LEVEL: HIGH. There were mutterings that he wants out of Minnesota, and now he’s questioning the heart and drive of his teammates. Remember when Gerald Wallace did that while on the Celtics? That was a totally different situation (PG with trade value vs. washed up old dude who wasn’t seeing the court), but it’s fun to remember the times when players threw their teammates under the bus. Hopefully Rubio does that some more because there should be at least one high-profile team implosion every year, and it’s lame when it’s always the Kings.
28. Brooklyn Nets (6-16, 1-2 this week) (last week: #29 [1-3] +1)
After a somewhat decent start to the season where he put up some okay scoring performances, Justin Hamilton AKA JHAM has been utterly awful. He no longer rebounds, makes threes, or does anything else. It’s unfair to pin the Nets’ woes on him since he’s just the victim of a cruddy roster, but it’s undeniable that the team would be a lot better if JHAM were individually a more skilled player. Let’s just pretend he was as good as prime Chris Bosh. Would the Nets not be in contention for a playoff spot right now? The defense rests, your honor.
29. Dallas Mavericks (5-18, 1-3 this week) (last week: #28 [2-2] -1)
DTB’S OFFICIAL RETRACTION: A few weeks ago I wrote “[Wes Matthews is] done. He’s so done and it’s sad. Injuries robbed him from us just like they robbed Ash from us in the Pokemon movie.” It turns out that Wes Matthews is, in fact not done. He’s not ever going to be good like he used to be, but maybe he can still be a decent role-player who sometimes gets hot from three. That is why I am issuing my official retraction. I am confident that this retraction will not need to itself by retracted. If Matthews re-regresses I’ll just pretend that nothing’s wrong.
30. Philadelphia 76ers (5-18, 1-2 this week) (last week: #30 [0-4] +0)
Veterans of my channel will remember when I decorated all my video thumbnails with a headshot of Ersan Ilyasova wearing some rad sunglasses. Those people might think I would be pleased by Ilyasova putting together a string of good games (scoring 17, 22, and 23 this week). Wrong. I no longer care about Ilyasova any more or less than any other random NBA player. I definitely do not smile wistfully when I see him having good games. Nor do I whisper “come back Ersan” to my monitor. I would never do anything creepy like that. Come on now.