This week’s biggest busts: Bulls -7, Lakers -4, Spurs -3, Cavaliers -3, Hornets -3
This week’s biggest successes: Bucks +5, Pacers +3, too many teams +2
1. Golden State Warriors (24-4, 4-0 this week) (last week: #1 [3-1] +0)
It wasn’t the greatest week for the Warriors, as they needed second-half comebacks against both the Wolves and Pelicans, two teams who should have been relatively easy to beat. They turned things around against the Blazers and Knicks despite Curry scoring just eight points in the latter (let’s ironically credit Ron Baker’s defense for Curry’s struggles in that game because that’s funny). Speaking of Curry, now seems a good time to talk about the fact that he’s not even shooting 35% from three in the month of December. At least we get to have a different MVP this year.
2. Toronto Raptors (18-8, 2-1 this week) (last week: #4 [2-1] +2)
Can the definition of the word “superstar” be expanded to include players like DeMar DeRozan? Does the definition of “superstar” even need such an expansion? Is DeRozan a superstar RIGHT NOW with no modifications to the concept of a superstar? Somebody who averages 28 points per game while spearheading the best offense in the league is certainly in the running for superstar consideration. In my opinion, which is more important than yours because it appears in POWER RANKING format, there are only three superstars in the league: Durant, Curry, and LeBron. Since Harden doesn’t make the cutoff, DeRozan definitely doesn’t. But that’s just my (correct) opinion.
3. Houston Rockets (21-7, 4-0 this week) (last week: #5 [4-0] +2)
The Rockets are on a ten-game winning streak, officially making them the hottest team in the NBA (hot in terms of play, not in terms of attractiveness of individual players – that team would be the Magic). It was slightly concerning that they needed to make a significant comeback against the Wolves and that they let the Nets score 42 in a single quarter, but those details will soon be forgotten, and the only thing remembered will be that the Rockets won ten straight in the month of December, Year of our Lord 2016.
4. Los Angeles Clippers (20-7, 3-0 this week) (last week: #6 [1-2] +2)
It seems like, every season, the Clippers have a stretch where they are the best team in basketball. That stretch has already happened this year. This week saw a good amount of wins, but the quality of those wins was…well, let’s just say that a team with Chris Paul and Blake Griffin on it should beat the team with Elfrid Payton and Aaron Gordon on it by more than five points. They should be able to continue taking advantage of a relatively cushy schedule, but I’ll be watching those point differentials like a hawk. Hear that, Doc? Like a HAWK. CAW CAW!
5. San Antonio Spurs (21-5, 2-0 this week) (last week: #2 [3-1] -3)
OFFICIAL REASONS WHY THE SPURS STILL HAVEN’T REGRESSED POWER RANKINGS: 1. Tim Duncan continues to expose the soft defense of Pau Gasol even in his retirement 2. Kawhi Leonard is good 3. Gregg Popovich 4. Gregg Popovich’s acne scars 5. Tim Duncan donated some of his immortality potion to the team so they could all drink it and be immortal like he is. This is actually the biggest reason so it should be at number one – feel free to rearrange them on your own time because I am so done here.
6. Cleveland Cavaliers (19-6, 2-1 this week) (last week: #3 [4-0] -3)
The first two games this week for the Cavs were back-to-back games against Memphis. The first one was an easy victory. The second was a tough loss. You might be tempted to jump to the obvious conclusion that the second game was lost because LeBron didn’t play. That’s the wrong conclusion. Closer analysis of the box-scores using advance analytical analytics reveals the true reason for the loss: DeAndre Liggins only played 25 minutes versus 31 in the victory. Before you try to ask me who DeAndre Liggins is, just shut up. I don’t know who he is. All I do is read the box-scores and report the facts.
7. Utah Jazz (17-10, 2-0 this week) (last week: #7 [3-1] +0)
Rudy Gobert has been straight beasting for a while now, but I barely hear about him when it comes to discussing the best centers in the game. Is that because Gobert’s calling card is defense and nobody takes that into account when ranking players? I can sympathize with those types of thoughts since I myself do not care about defnse. However, Gobert’s offense has been catching up to his defense lately, and n the month of December he’s averaging 14 PPG on 77% shooting. You know who those numbers remind me of? Prime DeAndre Jordan. Except primer than that. Primer than prime.
8. Oklahoma City Thunder (16-11, 2-2 this week) (last week: #8 [2-1] +0)
When Billy Donovan was tapped to be the new coach of the Thunder, he was supposed to institute an offensive system in a way that would make Scott Brooks, he of the “Scot’s Secrit Plays”, look like an idiot. The “let Durant and Westbrook trade possessions” offense would be replaced with intelligent ball movement, lots of screen action, and effective use of the superstar talent on the roster. Did that ever actually happen? The offense seems to be “Westbrook do whatever you want”, and it usually works, but I’m just curious if Donovan turned out to be any better than Brooks when it comes to actually instituting an offense. I bet not, or at least not anymore.
9. Memphis Grizzlies (18-10, 1-2 this week) (last week: #10 [4-0] +1)
It’s not like I want to rate the Grizzlies this high. I want to put them at fifteenth where all the stats have them at. They average the same amount of points per game as they give up. Their offense is as bad as their defense is good. That makes them a middle-of-the-road team. But the wide gulf between their wins and losses means that they have to be in the top ten or close to it. Also, I’d like to go on the record as saying that I don’t believe that the Grizzlies’ alleged ability to win games through “grit and grind” is anything more than a fluke. Come at me bro.
10. Boston Celtics (14-12, 2-1 this week) (last week: #12 [1-2] +2)
The top two in the East are settled now: Cleveland and Toronto. Or Toronto and Cleveland, depending on your preference. But who’s third? The Celtics? The Pistons? The Hornets? The Bucks? There are too many teams bunched up in the thirteen- to fourteen-win range and it’s impossible to figure out who’s better. For now I’m going to keep riding that Celtics hype train that picked up steam in the offseason and say that the Celtics are #3 in the East. Because Isaiah Thomas and Al Horford. And, uh, Brad Stevens. Avery Bradley. Tommy Heinsohn?
11. Milwaukee Bucks (13-12, 2-1 this week) (last week: #16 [1-3] +5)
I vowed at the beginning of this project to not let my homerism for the Bucks impact my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS in any way. It wasn’t a public vow but it was a vow nonetheless, and I plan to stick by that vow. This official ranking is wholly unaffected by my desire to see the Bucks perform well. With all that said, it was nice to see that Bucks take it to the Bulls HARD in back-to-back games. Giannis and Jabari simultaneously dominated, thus proving that they can coexist peacefully as costars. The Bucks lost badly to Toronto earlier in the week (the game was over by the second quarter) but that doesn’t really matter at all. By the way, Giannis and Jabari combined for 57 points in that game.
12. Indiana Pacers (14-14, 2-2 this week) (last week: #15 [3-2] +3)
More inconsistency from the Pacers this week, as they beat the two teams who they weren’t supposed to beat (Hornets and Pistons) while losing to the two teams who they WERE supposed to beat (Pelicans and Heat). Their overachievement against good teams and their underachievement against bad teams effectively cancel each other out. Now if only they could find somebody to cancel out Monta Ellis. Nobody’s going to give the Pacers a good deal in a theoretical trade for Mr. Have it All, so their only option might be to “arrange” another moped accident. Georges Niang will be the hitman. Sources.
13. Detroit Pistons (14-15, 1-3 this week) (last week: #13 [2-2] +0)
Reggie Jackson’s back in the lineup…but the Pistons haven’t really gotten any better. I know I’m supposed to give these things time, since the biggest change a team can make is changing the one guy on the court who has the ball in his hands the most, but I don’t want to give it time. I’m impatient and I need hot takes now before they cool off and become cold takes. The hot take becomes significantly hotter when you add in a spicy twenty-point loss to the 76ers. Here it is: the Pistons should time-travel back to when they acquired Jackson from the Thunder in the first place, then abduct that version of Jackson back to the current time so he can get back to averaging nine(????) assists per game.
14. Charlotte Hornets (15-13, 1-3 this week) (last week: #11 [3-1] -3)
The Hornets lost some games against other middling East teams this week (Indiana, Washington, Boston) before beating a different middling East team (Atlanta) to end a four-game losing streak. Kemba Walker can probably be blamed for most of those losses (especially the game he didn’t play in) just because he’s by far the most important player on the team. You could try to blame the other fourteen players on the team who are role-players, but the problem with that is that the worst offenders are different every game. One game it could be Batum; the next, Zeller or MKG. Meanwhile, the best player on the Hornets is always the same so it’s just simpler to pin the blame on him.
15. New York Knicks (14-13, 1-3 this week) (last week: #14 [3-1] -1)
“Superteam. You can assume. Superteam. You can assume. Superteam. You can assume.” Derrick repeats, as if whatever computer algorithm that controls his actions in this place is stuck in an infinite loop. Unable to stomach the ungodly stench of his burned flesh, I turn away and walk, companionless, towards what, I do not know. It is apparent that I exist within some kind of collective psyche of Knicks players, made real by the combined forces of their imaginations and possibly the intervention of some greater outside entity. But how did I get entangled in this terrifying pseudoreality? And, more importantly, how do I leave?
16. Chicago Bulls (13-13, 0-3 this week) (last week: #9 [2-2] -7)
DTB’S OFFICIAL RETROSPECTIVE: Back in week four I ranked the Bulls #5 in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS when their record was 10-6. Here are the regrettable words that I regret writing: “If the power rankings were based strictly on strength of schedule and nothing else then there wouldn’t be anything for me to do. That’s why I can rank the Bulls as high as I have even when it’s unclear what their true strength is.” Now we know what their true strength is and that strength is not very good. But can I really be blamed for wanting to make a splash with my power rankings by overranking a team that has a large fanbase? Now that we’re a fourth of the way through the season, regrettable rankings such as this one from week four will happen less often.
17. Washington Wizards (11-14, 2-1 this week) (last week: #19 [3-1] +2)
The Wizards are only two games back of being right in the thick of the playoff picture thanks to a 2-1 week. Not bad for a team that was gracing the bottom five of my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS just a few weeks ago, but this parity stuff is just making my life a living hell when it comes to actually ranking all these mediocre Eastern conference teams. If the power ranking guy at ESPN or USA Today or anywhere else wants to reach out to me to give me some pointers, I’ll be happy to hear them. Actually, on second thought, I’m fairly certain that those guys put less effort into their rankings than I do into mine, so I don’t want any of their advice.
18. Atlanta Hawks (13-14, 1-2 this week) (last week: #18 [2-1] +0)
All around him was a vast sandy desert. The burning sun punished his naked, unprotected body as he trudged barefoot across the endlessly rolling dunes. Kyle Korver looked up at the sky and saw that the yellow orb of the sun had been replaced with the face of a clock. As he watched, the hands of the clock began to travel faster; first the minute hand began to spin without pause, then the hour hand. Soon, the hands were nothing more than blurs. Now, he looked down at his legs and saw that they were being whipped away by the wind as if they were composed of the same sand he walked upon. Disintegrating. His upper body tumbled uselessly to the ground when he last of his legs vanished; it was then that he realized that the rest of his body was not immune to this disintegration. When the last particle of flesh was taken away by the cruel desert wind, he woke up, gasping and clutching at his chest.
19. Portland Trail Blazers (13-16, 1-3 this week) (last week: #17 [1-3] -2)
It seems like that the worse the Blazers’ defense gets, the less they want to try on defense; a vicious circle of non-defense that culminates in the Nuggets scoring 74 in one half. This is similar to the vicious circle that I sometimes enter into where I don’t feel like bathing myself for a while and by a certain point my stink is so rancid that I don’t see the point of ever taking a shower. On the patheticness scale from one to ten, I rate my situation a three and the Blazers’ situation a seven. Because that defense really is pathetic.
20. Denver Nuggets (11-16, 2-1 this week) (last week: #20 [2-2] +0)
The Nuggets are seventh in points per game at 107.4, thanks to games of 132 and 127 against the Blazers and Knicks respectively. However, they have a lot of work to do if they want to reattain the glory of those 80’s Nuggets teams that scored 125 per game. Danilo Gallinari can be Alex English. Nikola Jokic can be Kiki Vandeweghe. If we alter the timeline a little bit, Emmanuel Mudiay can be Michael Adams. See, they’ve already got the personnel to do it. They just need to institute a no-defense system and they’re right there.
21. Miami Heat (9-18, 2-1 this week) (last week: #23 [0-4] +2)
“Dear Diary: today a reporter asked me a question about DeAndre Jordan and I think I might have messed up big time. The question was whether I thought him and me are similar. Before I stopped to think I threw a bunch of shade all on him about how he only catches lobs. Secretly I just want DeAndre to pay attention to me so he can mentor me. That’s why I said those mean things about him and now I’m sorry about it. Hopefully he understands and doesn’t hate me too much. I just wanted DeAndre to like me. That’s all. -Hassan”
22. New Orleans Pelicans (9-19, 2-2 this week) (last week: #21 [0-4] -1)
Outside of that one hot streak which occurred when Jrue Holiday came back to the lineup, the Pelicans have been consistently garbage for the entire season. Anthony Davis is doing everything you could reasonably expect him to do, but his teammates definitely are not. For example, Solomon Hill is not hazing Buddy Hield vigorously enough. I have yet to see any evidence that Hill has forced Hield to sing that “What What (in the Butt)” song from a decade ago either on the bench or in the locker room. Neither has Hield been forced to purchase donuts for the entire team while wearing a dress, as far as I can tell. Also, Tim Frazier might be performing well on the court, but he is hurting the team by not being taller. All non-AD members of the Pelicans, this is your wake-up call.
23. Sacramento Kings (10-16, 2-1 this week) (last week: #24 [1-3] +1)
If you ignore the game where Mike Malone rested Rudy Gay and DeMarcus Cousins without explanation and then got thoroughly obliterated by the Rockets, the Kings went 2-0 this week. In that three-game span (remember, we do have to include that tank game against the Rockets even if we don’t want to), Garrett Temple averaged just under eighteen points per game. Arron Afflalo averaged 2.5 in just two games because he didn’t appear in the game at Memphis. I tried my best to find some juicy quotes or articles that describe how discontented Afflalo is right now, but I couldn’t find any.
24. Orlando Magic (12-16, 2-1 this week) (last week: #26 [2-3] +2)
The Magic’s offense is looking a little better lately. They even scored 131 against the Hawks, which would have been a bigger accomplishment back in November but is still a commendable total for the Magic. The two players who the Magic are inexplicably “building” around, Elfrid Payton and Aaron Gordon, both had career-best games this week. Now would be a perfect time to sell high on those guys and dive into the draft for another round of rebuilding, but instead we’ll probably just continue to see Frank Vogel trying to squeeze wins out of his roster of disappointments, rejects, and Serge Ibaka.
25. Minnesota Timberwolves (7-19, 1-2 this week) (last week: #27 [0-3] +2)
The Timberwolves put an end to their latest four-game losing streak with a win over the Bulls. That sounds great until you realize that the Bulls are tumbling precipitously through my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS and might not stop until they hit #20. The Wolves have yet to beat a good team unless Memphis counts (hint: they don’t). Can we just agree to stop paying attention to them for four years in the hope that all their young talent has gelled by then and they’re a lock for fifty wins every season? These power rankings would be a lot easier if I only had to rank 29 teams. Just saying.
26. Los Angeles Lakers (11-19, 1-4 this week) (last week: #22 [0-3] -4)
Anything that the Lakers did or didn’t do is utterly nullified by the unbelievable slamjam that Larry Nance Jr. threw down all over Brook Lopez. I’m going to be honest with you, I watched the replay at least thirty times. Maybe more. And if you’re being honest with yourself, you watched the same replay at least that amount of times if not more. The power of Nance’s dunk not only evoked memories of his father’s glorious slammy-whams, but also made us collectively forget the Lakers’ recent injury woes, if only for a brief moment.
27. Phoenix Suns (8-19, 1-3 this week) (last week: #25 [1-2] -2)
Violence is not cool. At all. That said, I would have been pumped to watch Marquese Chriss try to take on Kristaps Porzingis in a fist battle. Instead of a furious exchange of punches, all we got was Chriss sort of weakly throwing Porzingis down and then they puffed their chests at each other . In a theoretical pugilistic contest between the two, which skinny dude would prevail? Porzingis is taller but has more to lose. Chriss is an unproven rookie who could get suspended for the rest of time and not really cost his team any wins. I’m going with Chriss on this one.
28. Brooklyn Nets (7-18, 1-2 this week) (last week: #28 [1-2] +0)
The Nets’ starting five actually is pretty good if you think about it. Lin-Kilpatrick-Bogdanovic-Booker-Lopez? The only obvious weak link is T-Booker, but he’s useful as a hustle-type garbage guy in a lineup that already features plenty of scoring. However good the starters are, though, their bench negates it tenfold with their general lack of talent and general lack of upside. Full list of players on Nets’ bench with upside, with OFFICIAL UPSIDE SCORE OUT OF TEN: Rondae Hollis Jefferson (6/10), Chris McCullough (4/10), Anthony Bennett (3/10), Luis Scola (-500/10).
29. Dallas Mavericks (6-20, 1-2 this week) (last week: #29 [1-3] +0)
I somberly open the desk drawer that contains my cache of gray construction paper. Retrieving a single sheet, I place it on my desk next to the scissors and black permanent marker. Carefully, with reverence, I trace the necessary shape on the paper, then gently cut it out with the practiced precision that the man deserved. The cutting portion of my grim arts-and-crafts now finished, I uncap the marker and write just three letters on the paper: “R.I.P”. The letters are uneven, for my hands now shake with the force of my shuddering tears. I set up the mock gravestone in the front of the mock graveyard I keep on my second desk. “We’ll miss you Dirk. All of us,” I shakily whisper, and then the silently flowing tears become a sobbing torrent of wretched misery.
30. Philadelphia 76ers (6-20, 1-2 this week) (last week: #30 [1-2] +0)
Perhaps the 76ers are going to beat the Timberwolves in terms of earliest team implosion this year: Nerlens Noel, in a postgame interview, straight up said that he deserves more than eight minutes. He then insinuated that he needs to be traded while using naughty words. After such an outburst, chemistry in the locker room will be near zero until a trade actually happens. In this nightmare scenario that is currently playing out, the only possible way to rebuild team unity is to hold a locker room cheesesteak party where everybody gets huge Philly cheesesteaks to eat. Trust me. I’ve rebuilt team unity this way in the past. But the team is only me. It was a great party.
Great power ranking as always