This week’s biggest busts: Pistons -7, Heat -5, Trail Blazers -4
This week’s biggest successes: Mavericks +5, Cavaliers +3, Hornets +3, Knicks +3, Hawks +3, Pelicans +3
1. Golden State Warriors (27-4, 3-0 this week) (last week: #1 [4-0] +0)
What the Warriors want most under their tree: a center who meets the following requirements: able to run, jump, and move laterally with reasonable nimbleness; not an utter spaz on the court who is only cheered for in a patronizing way; inexpensive yet productive; and happy to be the fifth option on offense at all times while still possessing considerable skill on both ends of the floor. Amount of players in the universe who meets the aforementioned requirements: zero.
2. Toronto Raptors (21-8, 3-0 this week) (last week: #2 [2-1] +0)
What the Raptors want most under their tree: a coach who allots minutes in an eminently fair manner and perfectly controls the amount of shots that each player gets to take. This hypothetical coach would ensure that Jonas Valanciunas is involved in the offense at all times and never frozen out by the Raptors’ starting duo of possession-dominating guards. This coach would ride DeRozan’s or Lowry’s hot streaks at the right times but also bench them aggressively when their respective shots aren’t falling. Oh yeah, and this coach would install a real offense like the Spurs or Warriors or something.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers (22-6, 3-0 this week) (last week: #6 [2-1] +3)
What the Cavaliers want most under their tree: a commentator who doesn’t sound like he just escaped from a nursing home. I understand that Austin Carr is some kind of treasured pillar of Cleveland basketball, but half of the words that come out of his mouth don’t even make sense in the context of the preceding and following words. Here’s an idea: you could put him at a desk away from everyone else and have him commentate the games but not tell him that his mic isn’t turned on. That way he wouldn’t be sad. If he ever asked who the new guy was you could pretend you didn’t hear him. That’s what I do with old people when they talk to me.
4. San Antonio Spurs (24-6, 3-1 this week) (last week: #5 [2-0] +1)
What the Spurs want most under their tree: nothing. The Spurs are just fine where they are right now. I could say “Tim Duncan” and then make a profound statement on how much his attitude mattered to the Spurs, but I won’t. For now, the Spurs can keep pretending that Pau Gasol and LaMarcus Aldridge are adequate replacements for Timmy. They can keep pretending that Tony Parker isn’t on a steep decline. They can keep pretending that Manu Ginobili is still alive. They can keep pretending all these things because they have Kawhi Leonard, and the Kawhi-Pop combo ensures that this team stays relevant for the next decade.
5. Houston Rockets (22-9, 1-2 this week) (last week: #3 [4-0] -2)
What the Rockets want most under their tree: legitimate three-point shooters down to the fifteenth man. This means getting rid of the following players: Corey Brewer, Nene, Clint Capela (it’s hard but it has to be done), Montrezl Harrell, and Chinanu Onuaku unless he can shoot them underhanded from there. Not only would having a roster composed entirely of three-point shooters be the wettest of D’Antoni’s wet dreams, but Harden would average twenty assists per game. To me, this is the next step of Moreyball. Make it happen Morey.
6. Los Angeles Clippers (22-9, 2-2 this week) (last week: #4 [3-0] -2)
What the Clippers want most under their tree: a Western Conference Finals appearance. If they can just get this one thing then everybody will agree that Chris Paul is a top three PG all time, that Blake Griffin is a legit superstar, and that making Doc Rivers the GM-Coach wasn’t the absolute worst idea ever. Unfortunately, they’re not going to just have a WCF appearance handed to them. Several things are in the way: the Warriors, the Spurs, the Rockets, Doc Rivers, Blake Griffin, DeAndre Jordan, Chris Paul, and Jamal Crawford all stand in the way of achieving that ultimate prize.
7. Memphis Grizzlies (20-12, 2-2 this week) (last week: #9 [1-2] +2)
What the Grizzlies want most under their tree: a team name that matches the team’s location. Grizzly bears are definitely a Canadian thing. They are absolutely not a Tennessean thing. I even looked up Grizzly bears on Wikipedia and they never, ever lived in Tennessee. They made it to Kentucky but not Tennessee. So the Memphis Basketball Club needs a new team name. Here are some candidate names (you’re welcome): Memphis Barbecues. Memphis BBQ Ribs. Memphis Pits. Memphis BBQ Sauces. Memphis Pulled Porks. Memphis Meats. So hungry. So so hungry.
8. Oklahoma City Thunder (18-12, 2-1 this week) (last week: #8 [2-2] +0)
What the Thunder want most under their tree: more Westbrook triple-doubles. This is actually the most reasonable desire in this entire OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS. It’s expected that Westbrook will continue to accrue monster trippy-dubbies until 1.) he injures himself (let’s hope not) or 2.) the Thunder have stop playing basketball because the season ended. The monsterness of the trippy-dubbies might be lessened by the return of Victor Oladipo to the lineup, but if it ever gets to the point where Westbrook is averaging less than a triple-double, you can expect another “wrist injury” for Oladipo.
9. Boston Celtics (17-13, 3-1 this week) (last week: #10 [2-1] +1)
What the Celtics want most under their tree: a third star to pair with Isaiah Thomas and Al Horford. Ainge has apparently been trying to land such a star for a while now, but he’s finding that his assets (Crowder, Bradley, Amir Johnson, hella draft picks) aren’t quite enough to get the deal done. Either that or teams are actively trying to prevent the assembly of a new “big three” in Boston. I can’t blame them; I too find it annoying that the Celtics have so many championships. I think everybody outside of Boston would be perfectly happy with them not winning another ring or even making another Finals appearance for the next century.
10. Utah Jazz (18-13, 1-3 this week) (last week: #7 [2-0] -3)
What the Jazz want most under their tree: health. This one’s so obvious that I almost feel like making up something else they want more just so readers will think I’m a creative and outside-the-box thinker. Well, I’m not that good at thinking, and I also know that the Jazz have barely gotten to use their ideal starting lineup at all this season. They’ve had to start scrubby-wubs like Shelvin Mack and Boris Diaw. If Rudy Gobert had gone down for an extended period like every other good player they have, the Jazz probably wouldn’t even be at .500 right now.
11. Charlotte Hornets (17-13, 2-0 this week) (last week: #14 [1-3] +3)
What the Hornets want most under their tree: more white centers who can shoot threes. Hawes and Kaminsky is not enough. Now, I know which name you’re thinking of, and I’m going to tell you right now that it simply isn’t going to happen. Byron Mullens is way too happy playing in Europe or wherever to come back to the franchise that one started him for a whole season while he sucked. Don’t worry Hornets fans, there’s another, more realistic white guy to target: Kristaps Porzingis. It wouldn’t take much for the Knicks to trade him since they’ve already given up on him ever being more than a streaky three-point specialist. Brian Roberts and a second would be more enough to get that deal done.
12. New York Knicks (16-13, 2-0 this week) (last week: #15 [1-3] +3)
What the Knicks want most under their tree: depending on who you talk to, no Melo or more Melo. Fans in the “Porzingis is the future” camp are tired of Carmelo taking all the shots and disrupting the offense with his ISO-heavy play. Fans in the “Melo is still a superstar” camp want Melo to continue his scoring-obsessed, ball-dominant ways since that’s what superstars have the right to do. There is a third, “let’s see if KP and Melo can coexist” fringe camp, but their moderate stance on the issue has no place in my hard-hitting OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS.
13. Milwaukee Bucks (14-14, 1-2 this week) (last week: #11 [2-1] -2)
What the Bucks want most under their tree: an intact, fully attached Khris Middleton hamstring. With a securely affixed hamstring on his leg, Middleton would be able to return to action months earlier than expected, and immediately slot into the offense as a more reliable, more aggressive Tony Snell. Terms like “fifty wins” shouldn’t be thrown around all willy-nilly, but this Bucks team with Khris Middleton on it would challenge for fifty wins. (I didn’t even know that your hamstring could detach from your bone. Now I walk very slowly and carefully at all times, and even a light jog is out of the question)
14. Indiana Pacers (15-16, 1-2 this week) (last week: #12 [2-2] -2)
What the Pacers want most under their tree: new everything, basically. They’re happy with Paul George (FOR NOW), but I can see them moving on from basically every other player on the roster. Jeff Teague? Nah. Monta Ellis? Way nah. Thaddeus Young? Nuh-uh. Rodney Stuckey? Nope. Myles Turner? Actually yeah, keep him too. Al Jefferson? Nah. Georges Niang? N/A. Since we’re getting rid of all these players, a new coach, logo, arena, and fanbase wouldn’t hurt either. Just start over from square one like it’s a new MyGM in 2K.
15. Atlanta Hawks (15-15, 2-1 this week) (last week: #18 [1-2] +3)
What the Hawks want most under their tree: somebody to blame. Anybody. Right now it’s hard to tell if there’s a single person culpable for their recent struggles or whether it’s a team effort, but human psychology tells us that identifying a single scapegoat makes everybody involved feel better (except for the scapegoat). Dwight Howard has been the scapegoat on every team he’s been on for the past half-decade, so that’s no fun. Let’s make Kent Bazemore the scapegoat. If he was better none of this would be happening. It’s his fault. Yeah.
16. Chicago Bulls (14-15, 1-2 this week) (last week: #16 [0-3] +0)
What the Bulls want most under their tree: a way to “eliminate” Rajon Rondo that won’t arouse suspicion. You could say that what the Bulls want most is a trade partner for Rondo, but even in these fantastical scenarios I’m proposing, there is no team that could ever possibly trade for that guy. So, instead, the Bulls are looking for a way to get rid of him and make it look like an accident.
17. Denver Nuggets (12-18, 1-2 this week) (last week: #20 [2-1] +3)
What the Nuggets want most under their tree: the new PS4 Pro. There are 4K TV’s all over the locker room but, up until now, there was no console hardware that could push that many pixels. Nobody in the Denver organization likes PC Gaming so that was out of the question. The release of the PS4 Pro, however, introduces a new era of high-resolution gaming that is affordable for the common man. Nuggets team chemistry would be at an all-time high (pun maybe intended) if they could spend halftimes playing Battlefield and Call of Duty in glorious 4K.
18. Washington Wizards (13-16, 2-2 this week) (last week: #17 [2-1] -1)
What the Wizards want most under their tree: bench players. Anywhere from one to eight of them. Any and all positions. Ideally any bench players they receive should be able to be immediately swapped out with the Wizards’ existing bench players, all of whom are playing well below whatever minimal expectations were set for them when they were acquired. Right now, anything is an upgrade over Andrew Nicholson, Trey Burke, Marcus Thornton and Jason Smith. Literally anything. Name any player, they would contribute more to on-court success than any of those guys.
19. New Orleans Pelicans (11-21, 2-2 this week) (last week: #22 [2-2] +3)
What the Pelicans want most under their tree: the Buddy Hield that they thought they were getting when they picked him with the sixth overall pick. The Pelicans thought they were getting an NBA-ready player who would be in contention for Rookie of the Year; instead, they got a guy who couldn’t shoot despite scoring 25 points per game on 50% shooting in college. I’m not saying that Hield has to put up those kind of numbers, but 8 PPG on 37% shooting is a huge drop off, and it’s even worse when you factor in that NBA games are a full eight minutes longer than college games. Luckily for Hield, the 2016 draft was such garbage that he can still be ROTY if he starts playing good immediately, starting now.
20. Detroit Pistons (14-18, 0-3 this week) (last week: #13 [1-3] -7)
What the Pistons want most under their tree: anything besides players-only meetings. Do those things even work? In this case it backfired when all the players said they thought Reggie Jackson shot too much; Jackson purposely didn’t shoot at all in the first game after the meeting. SVG himself said he thought the meeting was pointless. Now DTB is going on the record saying the same thing. The only time a players-only meeting could work is if everybody brought homemade treats to share and then they played a fun, lighthearted party game like Cards Against Humanity. I don’t think such a meeting has ever happened in NBA history. But it should.
21. Sacramento Kings (13-17, 3-1 this week) (last week: #23 [2-1] +2)
What the Kings want most under their tree: I got a copy of the King’s Christmas list and it is way, way too long to reproduce here. I didn’t even read all of it; I stopped when they said they wanted a new arena. For the purposes of this power ranking, I’m going to say that they want a pony because the things they really want are too numerous, depressing, and unattainable to even think about. A cute pony that they can feed oats and ride around on all day. Maybe even ride it away from Sacramento and away from the myriad of problems which plague the cursed Kings franchise.
22. Orlando Magic (14-18, 2-2 this week) (last week: #24 [2-1] +2)
What the Magic want most under their tree: an All-Star-caliber player. Nikola Vucevic used to be this player but since he was benched his numbers have gone down below the OFFICIAL ALL STAR SCORING THRESHOLD (16 PPG). Evan Fournier meets that threshold, but if Arron Afflalo didn’t make it that one year in Orlando where he was actually good, what chance does Fournier have? None chance. Not unless he averages 25 and 5. Aaron Gordon might (MIGHT) have All-Star upside, but he’s the only other player on the Magic who does, and it’s questionable whether he actually possesses that upside or whether he just looks like he does since his body is so aesthetic.
23. Portland Trail Blazers (13-19, 0-3 this week) (last week: #19 [1-3] -4)
What the Trail Blazers want most under their tree: this was going to be “a center who is good” but then Mason Plumlee totally beasted out on the Kings (while also allowing DeMarcus Cousins to score 55; ignore that for now) so I can’t use that one. How about “defense”? Nah, that doesn’t work either. They’ve fully embraced their lack of defense and moving up from thirtieth to twenty-fourth in that category wouldn’t help that much. Let’s go with “the Al-Farouq Aminu they had last year”. What happened to that guy anyway?
24. Dallas Mavericks (9-21, 3-1 this week) (last week: #29 [1-2] +5)
What the Mavericks want most under their tree: young versions of all their players. Don’t lie: a prime Nowitzki and Bogut frontcourt would be the sickest thing ever. Throw in prime Deron Williams and a prime Wesley Matthews, and you’ve got a team that can be counted on for regular Finals appearances. And that’s before we’ve added in prime Harrison Barnes. It’s tough to predict what Barnes brings to the table since his prime hasn’t happened yet, but let’s just pencil in 25 PPG with good defense. He might never reach that prime, but the chances of somebody a decade from now remembering what I wrote and fact-checking it is basically zero.
25. Minnesota Timberwolves (9-20, 2-1 this week) (last week: #25 [1-2] +0)
What the Timberwolves want most under their tree: the early-November version of Andrew Wiggins. The version we have now sucks. It plays like it either ran out of batteries or never came with batteries in the first place. The earlier version scored 47 and could shoot threes – this version has not scored 47 unless you combine three of his games, and it also can’t shoot threes. While we’re at it, the Timberwolves also want last year’s Karl-Anthony Towns, back when everybody was convinced he was the league’s next superstar and they didn’t trash him constantly for his (lack of) defense.
26. Miami Heat (10-21, 1-3 this week) (last week: #21 [2-1] -5)
What the Heat want most under their tree: a time machine. And you know damn well what they would do with a time machine. I’ll spell it out for you anyway: they’d go back to the beginning of the big-three era and make sure they beat the Mavericks in the Finals. They’d also double-check Chris Bosh for clots after every game; he would be confused by their stubborn insistence, but would eventually come to accept that the checks were a routine part of basketball life, blissfully unaware that Pat Riley was actually a time-traveler who had foreknowledge of Bosh’s blood-clot issues, not to mention everything else that happened in the future.
27. Los Angeles Lakers (11-22, 0-3 this week) (last week: #26 [1-4] -1)
What the Lakers want most under their tree: a worthy successor to Kobe. They might already have this player, but they don’t know which one yet. It could be Russell or Ingram or Randle. Maybe it’s Clarkson, although that’s less likely. If the Lakers woke up and saw one of these players under the tree, that would be an omen to anoint that player as the next Kobe. Personally I hope it’s Ingram, because if he is indeed the next Kobe, then he will certainly have a good game soon. He just has to. Right?
28. Phoenix Suns (9-21, 1-2 this week) (last week: #27 [1-3] -1)
What the Suns want most under their tree: a trade partner for Brandon Knight. I’ve already discussed this topic in a previous power ranking but it’s either that or talk about how Devin Booker’s development is getting ruined by the volume of shots he’s asked to take, and right now I feel like talking about Knight. Realistically, Ryan McDonough has probably called every team in the league ten times and attached all kinds of sweeteners to Knight just so they can be rid of him. The ultimate sweeteners (Devin Booker and T.J. Warren) probably haven’t been included, but I bet Dragan Bender has. Hopefully some idiot reads this and reports it as fact because they don’t realize that these power rankings are semi-comedic.
29. Philadelphia 76ers (7-22, 1-2 this week) (last week: #30 [1-2] +1)
What the Sixers want most under their tree: cheesesteaks. Two for everybody. Piled high with extra meat and blanketed under such obscene amounts of cheese that it triggers lactose-intolerant people two miles away. There are a lot of other things that the 76ers are wanting for (upgrades at four of five positions), but since the season is already over for them, if they got any of those things, they would be wasted. Wait for next Christmas, when they’re still in the conversation for thirty wins, and we can start thinking about what holes their roster has and how to fill them. For now: cheesesteaks.
30. Brooklyn Nets (7-22, 0-4 this week) (last week: #28 [1-2] -2)
What the Nets want most under their tree: draft picks. Of course, draft picks don’t mysteriously end up in your possession with no explanation. You have to give up stuff to get draft picks, and it can’t be just any stuff. Spencer Dinwiddie, for example, would definitely not get you any type of first-round pick, and would unlikely to net you a second-rounder either. A piece of brown rusty metal knocked off the side of the Barclays Center also would not be enough to pry a draft pick off of a team, although it might have a better chance than the Spencer Dinwiddie from the previous example. Brook Lopez, though, he’s worth something; at least a late-lottery first in my book. The only downside to trading him is that the Nets would not win another game this season.