Cristiano “The Brazilian Shaq” Felicio has been seeing more consistent minutes lately after playing only sporadically for most of November. That previous state of affairs confused me because the Bulls have very little in the way of backup big men. Those cupboards are bare, as they say. Lopez and Gibson are the starters, and then you have Mirotic, Portis, and Felicio left to cover all the remaining power forward and center minutes. Portis and Mirotic suck this year so why on earth wouldn’t Felicio get minutes?
Here’s my conspiracy theory: Felicio actually has a secret notebook where he has diagrammed an entire new offensive system for the Bulls that takes into account the strengths and weaknesses of the personnel. He calls it “Cristiano’s Secret Plays”. He’s been working on this notebook for months and has shown it some of his teammates, who are impressed with their teammate’s advanced understanding of the intricacies of basketball. But Fred Hoiberg hates it because he knows that Felicio’s revolutionary new system would be way better than Hoiberg’s own system which he shoe-horned in because it’s what he ran when he coached college and he doesn’t know how to do anything else. So, to lessen the risk of Felicio insidiously installing his own offense while he’s on the court by telling his teammates what different plays they should be running, Hoiberg just benched Felicio straight up.
If the Bulls all of a sudden start winning games, keep an eye out for a tattered spiral-bound notebook hidden on the bench somewhere. Cristiano’s Secret Plays.