EDITOR’S NOTE: Twelve teams went 2-2 this week, which made it impossible to enact drastic changes in the rankings. Sorry.
This week’s biggest busts: Kings -5, Bulls -2, Knicks -2
This week’s biggest successes: Bucks +3, Hornets +3, too many teams +2
1. Golden State Warriors (50-11, 1-2 this week) (last week: #1 [2-0] +0)
As badly as I wanted to see another team take the top spot in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS, I just couldn’t bump the Warriors out of first. Consecutive losses for the first time in years, a historic Curry slump, a Durant injury caused by a malicious and vengeful Zaza Pachulia, all these things should have added up to a drop down from #1 to #2 for the Warriors. But it didn’t. Because Curry will regain his form, Thompson will regain his form right there with him, and Durant will unexpectedly come walking out of the tunnel during game three of the first round and drop fifty points on the Nuggets while the fans and commentators lose their minds.
2. San Antonio Spurs (48-13, 4-0 this week) (last week: #2 [1-0] +0)
The Spurs are currently leading the league in terms of midrange jumpshots taken as a percentage of total shots taken. If that wording was too confusing for you (it’s a hard concept to describe concisely), basically it means that the Spurs the team that is most reliant on midrange jumpers. However, when you consider that LaMarcus Aldridge and Pau Gasol are on the same team, the Spurs’ midrange obsession doesn’t seem so weird. The weird thing is their obsession with trotting out a creepy coyote mascot that gives kids nightmares and haunts them even when wide awake. Not speaking from experience or anything.
3. Boston Celtics (40-22, 3-1 this week) (last week: #5 [0-1] +2)
If Isaiah Thomas wants to average thirty points per game this season, he’s going to have to put a stop to this worrying habit of scoring under thirty points in many of the games he plays. Has anybody explained to him how math works? Like, real hardcore math? Because I’ve studied a lot of math in my day and my deep knowledge of the subject allows me to make the following assertion: if he scores more than thirty points in every game this season, he will definitely average more than thirty overall. Somebody should tell him to read my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS so he sees first hand how ironclad my math is.
4. Houston Rockets (44-19, 2-1 this week) (last week: #3 [2-0] -1)
In any other season, James Hardens 15 double-doubles would be big news. But this isn’t any other season. This is THIS season, and in this season, Russell Westbrook is a triple-double machine to the extent that all other triple-doubles are rendered meaningless. That’s sort of unfair, so I’m going to devote the rest of this ranking to fawning over Harden’s triple-doubles. They’re really great and he gets a lot of them. Sometimes he scores fifty while getting them. If his teammates let him pad his rebounding stats he would have fifty double-doubles this year probably.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers (42-19, 2-2 this week) (last week: #4 [1-1] -1)
On Saturday night we received a terrifying preview of a LeBron-less NBA: the Miami Heat, who haven’t had LeBron for a while now, defeated the Cleveland Cavaliers, who should have had LeBron but didn’t because he was resting. I’m sure the game was entertaining and all that (especially for Heat fans because they won by almost thirty), but it was a game where there was no LeBron James, and all it did was serve to remind us that one day LeBron will retire and then what will we be left with? Just Nik Stauskas and Anthony Bennett and stuff.
6. Utah Jazz (38-24, 2-2 this week) (last week: #6 [1-0] +0)
Everybody last year said the Jazz were poised to make a leap, and guess what? All those people were right. They look to be on a path for the fourth seed, and while they occupy a tier below the Warriors/Spurs/Rockets due to a lack of raw star power (Trey Lyles doesn’t count, sorry Trey Lyles fan), they’re still capable of upsetting somebody in the playoffs. Hill and Favors aren’t quite Stockton and Malone, but, to be fair, Gordon Hayward is way better than some dude named Bryon Russell, and Rudy Gobert is about ten times as mobile as Greg Ostertag.
7. Washington Wizards (36-24, 2-2 this week) (last week: #7 [0-1] +0)
The Wizards managed to shore up their bench by discarding some dead weight (Andrew Nicholson can still be good I swear, Danuel House not so much) and picking up some decent fringe-starter types in Bojan Bogdanovic and Brandon Jennings. They also got Chris McCullough, who’s got the potential to be a worse version of Austin Daye. If they really wanted to improve their bench, though, and not just acquire stopgaps, they would go out to the nearest furniture store and buy fifteen overlarge recliners for the players to sit in when they’re not playing. That would be the best bench in the league bar none.
8. Atlanta Hawks (34-27, 2-1 this week) (last week: #10 [0-2] +2)
Beating the Celtics was a good omen. Beating the Mavericks was not an omen of any kind (not everything has to have a deeper meaning, gosh). Losing to the Cavaliers by allowing them to make 25 three-pointers, a regular-season record, was a bad omen. Mike Dunleavy getting some kind of synovitis (what is that it sounds scary) was a ??? omen; it depends whether you hate him like I do or if you appreciate his style of play. Signing Ryan Kelly was a bad omen. OFFICIAL ATLANTA HAWKS OMEN TALLIES: Good: 1 Bad: 2 Neutral/Unknown: 2
9. Toronto Raptors (37-26, 3-2 this week) (last week: #8 [1-0] -1)
Unchained from Kyle Lowry and Lowry’s insatiable desire to be the primary ball-handler and initiator of the offense, DeMar DeRozan is leading the Raptors to more success than they’ve seen since December. Remind me why the Raptors need Lowry? Try not to use the words “leadership”, “passing”, or “scoring” and I guarantee you that you won’t be able to do it. DTB’S IRRATIONAL HATE FOR DEMAR DEROZAN LEVEL: it would be higher if he wasn’t so good at basketball. Damn him.
10. Memphis Grizzlies (36-27, 2-2 this week) (last week: #9 [0-1] -1)
Time is running out for Andrew Harrison if he wants to drag his field goal percentage out of the gutter, but the Grizzlies have essentially given up on trying to give him minutes, so it’s looking less and less likely with each passing DNP that the superior(?) Harrison brother will even shoot 35% from the floor this year. Luckily, Chandler Parsons just keeps hurting himself and his contract gets more hilarious by the day, so nobody is even paying attention to the rookie that can’t shoot.
11. Los Angeles Clippers (37-25, 2-2 this week) (last week: #12 [0-2] +1)
Chris Paul has been back for a little while now but the Clippers are still struggling. This is an inconvenient fact when you’re trying to convince the world that CP3 is still the best point guard in the NBA. There’s this new thing called “alternative facts” that might help his case, but I’m not sure I want to sacrifice whatever little journalistic integrity I have remaining just so I can state blatant falsehoods as truth. Actually, I already do that, so never mind. Chris Paul is being held back by Blake Griffin which is why he’s not winning more. How’s that for a true-sounding “alternative” fact?
12. Oklahoma City Thunder (35-27, 2-2 this week) (last week: #11 [0-1] -1)
Back-to-back losses to the Blazers and Suns are concerning, especially since both losses happened despite Russell Westbrook scoring 45 and 48 respectively in the two games. Westbrook scored 41 and 43 in the Thunder’s two wins over the Pelicans and Jazz. Is the lesson here that Westbrook needs to score a huge amount of points, but not TOO huge, before the Thunder can win a game? Or is the lesson that Westbrook’s scrub teammates need to actually make an effort to score points rather than be wallflowers at Westbrook’s triple-double party? I bet it’s the former.
13. Miami Heat (29-34, 2-2 this week) (last week: #14 [2-0] +1)
The best two-man combination for the Heat in terms of point differential isn’t Dragic/Whiteside. It actually doesn’t include either of those players. I would have you try to guess but the power ranking format doesn’t allow for guessing very easily since your eyes will accidentally skip down a row of text and you’ll see the answer, so I’ll just tell you: it’s frickin’ Rodney McGruder and Dion Waiters. This blows my mind so much that my hands are shaking as I type this. Do Heat fans even realize that these two guys (who play the same FRICKIN’ position) are so beneficial when played together?
14. Detroit Pistons (30-32, 2-2 this week) (last week: #15 [1-0] +1)
The Pistons’ alleged “core” (or at least, the Pistons’ main statistical contributors) of Andre Drummond and Reggie Jackson both are near -13 in on/off rating according to basketball-reference who don’t even pay me to use their stats. Remember, in on/off stats, negative is somewhere you don’t want to be. Negative means you hurt your team when you’re playing, and the more negative you are, the more detrimental you are to your team’s success. Meanwhile, those two players’ direct backups (Aron Baynes and Ish Smith) are above +10 in on/off rating. Draw your own conclusions, but if you draw a conclusion other than “Drummond and Jackson are both overrated non-stars”, you’re a dummy.
15. Chicago Bulls (31-31, 1-2 this week) (last week: #13 [2-0] -2)
The Bulls need more three-point shooting, and they traded for Anthony Morrow who gives them that exact thing (three-point shooting in case you forgot), and they also traded away the one guy who used to give it to them (Doug McDermott), so why doesn’t Morrow get to play? He’s getting up there in years now but he could still give you ten points per game if a coach would just show confidence in him. While we’re on the subject, Joffrey Lauvergne gives you three-point shooting too, and he doesn’t get to play either. I hate Fred Hoiberg.
16. Indiana Pacers (31-30, 1-1 this week) (last week: #16 [1-1] +0)
The Pacers continue to be so mediocre that it’s hard to even write anything about them. They had a pretty good week, beating the Rockets and losing by one point to the Spurs, but overall, their team has few compelling narratives which would aid me in writing an entire paragraph (an ENTIRE PARAGRAPH) about them. I guess Paul George planning to bail out and latch on to the Lakers is somewhat compelling, but regarding the actual basketball product the Pacers are putting out right now…I’ve got nothing. Forward to the next ranking! Forget you ever read this one!
17. Minnesota Timberwolves (25-37, 2-1 this week) (last week: #19 [1-1] +2)
Apparently Adreian Payne has been out for a month because he’s suffering from something called “thrombocytopenia”. This raises several questions. 1.) Just how irrelevant do you have to be for a noted scrub enthusiast like myself not realize you’ve been out of commission for a month? 2.) What the heck is “thrombocytopenia” and can you die from it? 3.) Will Adreian Payne ever be good? 4.) I just looked up thrimbyponycotemia and the article used a lot of words that I’ve never heard of, so I’m just going to assume that it’s deadly and that the next time we hear about Payne, it’s because they’re telling us that he died.
18. Milwaukee Bucks (28-33, 3-2 this week) (last week: #21 [0-1] +3)
Michael Beasley (the guy who once pissed off LeBron James, the best player in the universe, by eating ice cream using waffle fries as a spoon while singing) is out with an injury that turned out not to be as grievous as it looked; to compensate for the loss of both Beasley and Jabari, the Bucks went out and signed…Axel Toupane (AKA Toupac). Oh yeah, and they also got some guy named Terrence Jones, but everybody knows who the real contributor to the team will be: it’s the guy who’s named after a part of a car.
19. Denver Nuggets (28-34, 2-2 this week) (last week: #17 [1-1] -2)
Nikola Jokic walked into the dark locker room. Since it was 2:00 AM, he was the only one in the entire arena, but that was how he wanted it. Even in the utter blackness of the windowless room, Jokic was able to find the locker he sought, so familiar was his knowledge of the room. He sat down. The distinctive scent of his former teammate still lingered. Jokic smelled in deeply, and it brought back bad memories, yes, but also good ones of budding friendship as well. “It was never meant to be like this, Jusuf,” he whispered to the darkness.
20. Dallas Mavericks (25-36, 2-1 this week) (last week: #20 [1-1] +0)
Remember when Deron Williams was the consolation prize for the Mavericks during some not-so-long-ago free agency period? The Mavs struck out on all the big-name guys they wanted (just like every year) so they signed D-Will with the hope that he would return to his leave his Brooklyn days behind and return to his Jazz days. It didn’t quite work out as planned, but D-Will wasn’t horrible; in fact, he was so not horrible that LeBron poached him from the Mavs so he could play with the similarly-nicknamed Cavs. OFFICIAL NUMBER OF LONG-TERM PIECES THE MAVERICKS HAVE: 2.5
21. Charlotte Hornets (27-35, 2-2 this week) (last week: #24 [1-1] +3)
Do you ever wonder whether Michael Jordan even cares about how his Hornets are performing? He’s still a way bigger name than anybody the Hornets currently have on their roster. In fact, he’s a way bigger name than anybody the Hornets will EVER have on their roster unless they somehow snag Steph Curry away to play for the hometown team. The Hornets could have ten losing seasons in a row (they pretty much have already done that ROFL) and MJ would still be one of the biggest brands in sports. So when he looks at their injury list, he probably just shrugs his shoulders and goes back to counting his money.
22. Portland Trail Blazers (26-35, 2-2 this week) (last week: #23 [1-0] +1)
The Blazers had been rumored to be lusting over the idea a traditional, post-up center on the roster, and now they have one in Jusuf Nurkic. Actually, I don’t know if those were real rumors or if it was just the commentary of people who were looking at their roster and noticing the large center-shaped hole in it. Early returns indicate that the team plays significantly better with Nurkic on the floor, but it’s not that hard to be an upgrade over Mason Plumlee, and it’s REALLY not hard to be an upgrade over Meyers Leonard.
23. Sacramento Kings (25-36, 0-2 this week) (last week: #18 [1-1] -5)
Vlade Divac desperately drove through the streets of Sacramento, one hand on the wheel of his car and one hand holding his phone to his head. “What do you mean you don’t know where DeMarcus lives?” he yelled. “You’re his best friend! You have to know his address!” He threw the phone to the floor of the car in anger and continued to drive, peering at each house as if the one holding DeMarcus Cousins would somehow present itself. Finally, after hours of driving, the sun was sinking low in the sky, and numerous additional phonecalls had not yielded any further details on his star player’s whereabouts. Vlade pulled over to the side of the road, turned on his flashers, and slumped forward onto the steering wheel, sobbing.
24. New York Knicks (25-37, 1-2 this week) (last week: #22 [1-1] -2)
I watch the withered, naked old man for some time, but he does not stir again. In time, his skin turns blue with cyanosis, and I am met with the understanding that he has passed out of this world. His body, disturbingly, collapses into dust all at once. Around me, echoing, demented chants of “superteam” emanate from unseen crevices in the earth, but not the Earth with a capital E, for this place is certainly not the Earth I remember. There was never a superteam here, and, as long as these strange characters inhabit this place, neither can a superteam even exist here. I stoop over the pile of dust, already being scattered by the wind, and mourn.
25. New Orleans Pelicans (24-38, 1-2 this week) (last week: #25 [0-2] +0)
A lot of people were obsessed with the idea that a DeMarcus Cousins/Anthony Davis frontcourt duo would be among the most dominant big man pairings the NBA has ever seen. Early returns were…disappointing, to say the least. Cousins and Davis played well individually, but their teammates have basically been spectating the games since the combo was formed. This is allegedly a problem that prevents the Pelicans from winning games. I’m of the mind that if you have to play Dante Cunningham major minutes, you were never supposed to win in the first place.
26. Phoenix Suns (20-42, 2-2 this week) (last week: #28 [0-1] +2)
It might seem like DTB’S OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS are slightly obsessed with Brandon Knight and his failures. It’s a fairly levied accusation, but this time around, the obsession is justified because Knight is now getting actual DNP-CD’s. The guy who averaged almost twenty points per game last season has now been benched entirely in order to give Tyler Ulis more minutes. I guess this is what can sometimes happen when a team really wants to trade a player but don’t manage to get a deal done before the deadline. If I was capable of feeling or understanding human emotions, I would be feeling sympathy for Knight right now.
27. Philadelphia 76ers (23-39, 1-3 this week) (last week: #26 [1-1] -1)
By now everybody has seen that video of Jahlil Okafor being extremely lazy on defense. He basically just walks around the paint with his arms at his sides while the opposing team grabs offensive rebounds nearby. But that video doesn’t tell the whole story. Just seconds before that video starts, Jahlil witnesses an entire Philly cheesesteak drop out of a fan’s hand right onto the floor. He attempts to continue playing, but his mourning for the lost cheesesteak is so profound that he can do little but go through the motions.
28. Orlando Magic (23-39, 1-1 this week) (last week: #27 [1-1] -1)
I honestly thought that the Magic would be competing for a playoff spot this season. I might have been in the minority on that one, but it wasn’t THAT outlandish I don’t think. Since their ill-assembled crew of mismatched scrubs and marginal semi-stars (Vuc, Fournier, half a season of Ibaka) has been so ineffective at actually winning real-life basketball games, I’m about to start scrubbing the internet of every reference I made to the Magic being an “up and coming” team or anything similar. So if you come back to these power rankings in two weeks and there’s nothing for the Magic, you’ll know what happened.
29. Los Angeles Lakers (19-43, 0-3 this week) (last week: #29 [0-1] +0)
Did Brandon Ingram get Jim Buss and Mitch Kupchak fired? If he wasn’t so underwhelming, there wouldn’t have been any pressure on those two to bring a star to Los Angeles, since there would already be a surefire star waiting in the wings. Allegedly, the Lakers were high enough on Ingram to refuse to trade him in a deal for Cousins. If my job as a high-paid executive (for the one of the most recognizable sports franchises in America was on the line, I would trade anybody for anything. Nobody would be off limits. I would even trade myself if necessary.
30. Brooklyn Nets (10-51, 1-2 this week) (last week: #30 [0-2] +0)
The Nets won a game but let’s not even pretend that a single win among a sea of losses means anything other than the Nets have one more win than they did before. Their future is still uncertain and their current roster is still quite feculent; beating the Kings doesn’t change either of those things. In fact, I propose that, in order to shed the “Nets” moniker that is forever tainted, they change their name to the “Metros” and adopt uniforms that look like an NYC subway map. I’m 95% sure that using the name “Metros” would not run afoul of any other nearby teams in any sport.