So, I might be BringsTheKings now (BTK for short), but that doesn’t make me any happier about having this huge Buddy Hield statue taking up all the floor space in my living room. I had to push my couch, TV, and coffee table over to the wall just to make space for all twelve feet of Buddy’s purple tallness. I’m not even hyped for this dude anymore. He’s an exciting young player, sure, but I don’t need to be reminded of that fact every time I step into my place.
So I got my biggest kitchen knife and tried to cut this annoying statue into little pieces, but it didn’t really work. This 3D-printed plastic must be infused with diamonds or something because I could barely nick the smooth purple surface of Buddy’s left foot, which is the first appendage I wanted to saw off. I spent an hour hacking away at it and I never really made any progress. Meanwhile, my dumb kitty Japurri was curled up on Buddy’s head and purring like a maniac. Usually Japurri sleeps in my bed and keeps me warm with his soft fur, but the last two nights he’s spent the whole night cuddling with this huge Buddy Hield statue that I never really meant to order except I got drunk on my own hype.
I really have no idea what the next step is. I would donate it to a museum but the three museums I called all pretended that they didn’t know who Buddy Hield was. I’m like, duh, he plays for the Kings, and would you believe it, but those egghead pseudointellectuals pretended they didn’t know what sport that was. This could be a valuable frickin’ statue if Hield pans out as anticipated, but I don’t have the time or energy to deal with the upkeep of 144 inches of naked purple masculinity.
God damn it.