“Dear Diary,
I really hate Jonas Valanciunas.
Every time I think I’ve finally done it, every time I think I’ve successfully ruined his career, he comes in and has one of his so-called “good games” that sets back all my progress. I am so tired of looking at that guy’s dumb beard and stupid face and I just want him out of here.
This time, it was Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan who explicitly ignored my command to freeze Jonas out of the offense. They continued to pass him the ball despite my whispered comments to them during timeouts, and somehow, that lumbering oaf managed to score enough points to help us win the game. I was absolutely livid after the game, but for the players and the media I had to pretend to be happy that Jonas played so well. My only outlet is you, Mr. Diary.
I even personally paid the refs to call unreasonable ticky-tack fouls on Jonas so I would have an excuse to take him out of the game, but it didn’t work. He still scored nineteen points. But it’s not like I can just bench him permanently – the backlash would be too much and I would lose my job. So I have to give him minutes while trying to prevent him from being too involved in the offense. It’s hard, but my hate for Jonas is so strong that I will never waver in my duty.
I hate Lithuania too. I’ve never been there but I’m sure it’s a horrible, horrible place. If it was between going on vacation to Lithuania and killing myself, I would kill myself 100 times out of 100. Because Lithuania is the worst country in all of Europe. At least, I think it’s in Europe. I’m not going to look at a map to find out because I hate Lithuania and the Lithuanian people so much.
If Jonas does this one more time, or, god forbid, does this in the playoffs, I think I’ll lose my mind. I hate Jonas Valanciunas.
That’s all, Mr. Diary. Thanks for listening.
-Dwayne”