Yup, the 12-foot tall purple Buddy Hield statue that I accidentally had 3D-printed is definitely alive. I think. I had my suspicions before, but the evidence continues piling up. First it was the Hot Pocket incident, now this. Things just keep going from bad to worse over here in DTB-land.
I again tried asking for a refund again from the 3D-printing place that sold it to me, and again they said no. I mean, I offered to pay the shipping back to them, and they can just melt the statue down and print more stuff with it, right? One would think, but no. That got me really pissed off, that and the fact that I basically shoved this thing behind my couch before I went to bed and I woke up and it was just chilling in the center of the room. Pissed off is basically my usual mood right now, that mixed with overwhelming anxiety, so I started whaling on the statue again.
Last time I did this, I got the cops called on me, so I was being discrete about it, not shouting obscenities like before. But now, this frickin’ statue starts MOANING as I punch and kick it. That really freaked me out, so I stopped, but this thing just kept moaning. I couldn’t even tell where the sound was coming from. My cat, Japurri Purrker, noticed the disturbance, trotted over and looked at me like I was hurting his best friend, then went over and curled up next to this thing’s crotchal area. That must have calmed the statue down or something, because it stopped moaning, and all I heard were Japurri’s purrs.
Even me own cat has abandoned me. My only friend, and he prefers what amounts to a giant purple dildo to me. I don’t think Japurri even realizes that this thing isn’t a friend, whatever it is. How can it be? My current theory is that as the real Buddy Hield gets better, more energy gets transferred to this god-damn naked statue of him. Some real voodoo stuff, I swear I don’t normally believe in that crap, but this is happening for real.
God damn it.