Last night was a battle of Spanish point guards as the young (Ricky “Sexy Eyes” Rubio) faced off against the old (Jose Calderon). But who is the better player? Through the use of facts, double- and triple-checked for factuality, I will determine which player is officially better and present my FINAL OFFICIAL VERDICT and the end of the description.
PROXIMITY TO A TRIPLE DOUBLE: Rubio was only two assists away from having a triple-double in this game. Calderon was ten points, eight rebounds, and five assists short. ADVANTAGE: Rubio
HAIR: Rubio dominates this one. I’m pretty sure he’s been growing out his hair and beard specifically for this matchup, so he could show Calderon face-to-face how virile and potent he is. It worked; Calderon didn’t score in this game because he was self-conscious about his own thinning hair and lack of beard. ADVANTAGE: Rubio
EYE SEXINESS: Calderon has average eyes. Rubio has sexy eyes. ADVANTAGE: Rubio
QUALITY OF TEAMMATES: Calderon gets to play with HOFers LeBron James and Dwyane Wade and Derrick Rose (I don’t even know if I’m joking or not with that last one). Rubio gets to play with a good rookie in Donovan Mitchell and, uh, Derrick Favors. ADVANTAGE: Calderon
CAREER WINNINGNESS: Neither Calderon nor Rubio have ever really been on winning teams. Calderon was the starter for some very bad Raptors teams, while Rubio was the starter for some very bad Timberwolves teams. ADVANTAGE: Nobody
CAREER FREE THROW PERCENTAGE: Rubio has shot 83.4% from the free throw line in his career. Calderon has shot 87.5%. Honestly, I thought this would be more of a blowout than it is. That’s why I put it here. God damn it Ricky. Stop shooting free throws so good, you’re ruining my point. ADVANTAGE: Calderon
POSSESSING WITHIN HIM A FRAGMENT OF STEVE NASH’S SOUL: Even though he lies in bed every night hoping that Steve Nash’s soul comes to visit him and grant him extra powers, Calderon has never received such a visit. Rubio, however, possesses within him a fragment of Steve Nash’s soul, which has heightened his scoring ability and also makes him an honorary Canadian. ADVANTAGE: Rubio
DTB’S OFFICIAL FINAL VERDICT OF TRUTH: After a truthful analysis of the facts, we can factually conclude, conclusively, that Ricky Rubio is BETTER than Jose Calderon.