Gordon Hayward turned a lot of heads by not re-signing with the Utah Jazz, a betrayal of his buddy Joe “Sloppy Joe” “The Trevally from Happy Valley” “Slow-mo Joe” “Jingle Balls” “Jinglin’ Joe” Ingles. But he made his choice, and now their paths have diverged. Looking back at things a year later, can we tell who is the better player? Reminder: the facts presented below will be analyzed only with scrutinous truthfulness, so with that said, let’s take a look at the facts:
POINT TOTAL TONIGHT:
Ingles scored 27, which is more than he’s ever scored before in the NBA. Hayward didn’t score any points in the NBA tonight, just like he hasn’t for the past few months, but he presumably scored some points playing League of Legends, I assume they have some sort of point system, maybe he scored in the millions, that wouldn’t surprise me since it’s a video game and those things give you points for farting into your headset, but those points are worth way less compared to NBA points. Advantage: Ingles
PLAYOFF SUCCESS:
Ingles has helped lead his team into the second round of the playoffs with his elite three-point shooting and savvy all-around play. Hayward’s team is also in the second round of the playoffs, but he didn’t lead them there, because he was too busy getting his foot sheared off. Advantage: Ingles
JAMES HARDEN DOMINATION STATUS:
Hayward has dominated Harden in the past, if I’m remembering correctly, but Ingles is dominating Harden at this very moment. Recency bias means there is only one conclusion to make, but it’s the right one. Advantage: Ingles
ATTRACTIVENESS OF SPOUSE:
Ingles’ spouse looks kinda weird but in a cute way. Hayward’s wife looks like she’s about 16 years old. Hard pass. Advantage: Ingles
ATTRACTIVENESS OF SELF:
I can’t beat around the bush on this one: Ingles looks like a homeless dude who wandered into a hair-loss clinic but instead of them giving him hair again they made him even more bald. Meanwhile, Hayward is pretty much a totally perfect physical specimen in all respects. Even with the bowl cut he looked great, and that means a lot. Advantage: Hayward
LOYALTY TO UTAH:
Hayward’s contempt for the entire state of Utah and Mormonism in general is well documented. But even despite that, he is little more than a mercenary for hire at this point, willing to go to whichever team is waving the most dollar bills in his face. Ingles, on the other hand, has sacrificed media attention, money, and nightlife in order to give Utah, the team that gave him his first real shot in the NBA, a chance at a championship. And he’s not going to leave until he succeeds. Hear that, LeBron? Advantage: Ingles
Going into this fact-based analysis of the situation, I thought it would be close between Gordon Hayward and Joe Ingles. How wrong I was. The facts have spoken, and what they say is that Joe Ingles is BETTER than Gordon Hayward.